People and Conflict

I keep offending people. 

I managed to offend someone today coz I never heard about International Women’s day, and when it was raised, I then asked  whether there was an International Men’s day.

Some thought it was a joke and in poor tastes, but I was genuinely surprised it was a thing and asked because I was curious.

What was beautiful about it was, the person who was really offended, spoke to me about it calmly and gently- which I of course apologized. She heard about my lack of awareness, which helped, and I asked about this day, so I learned what it meant. This is conflict management done really well, which I really appreciate. This person could just remain upset, and let the anger grow in resentment, or get very aggressive and upset- both of which I have witnessed and been on the receiving end- which isn’t great. 

So I am thankful for this learning opportunity.

I’m still angry with myself that I offend people - more recently. Despite being in Australia for 7 years, there are nuances of the culture which I have not picked up, sadly. 

Oh well, it’s never too late to learn. Hopefully

The Valve Release

After my last blog post, 1-2 hours later, A texted me, asking how I was, and even how my marriage!
I shared that I wasn't doing that well, and he offered to catch up and chat - which I really appreciated.

We met up Wednesday night for dinner, and it was really good to catch up, to talk, share.
I realize that suffering alone, is like a pressure cooker building up, I just spiral downwards inside/mentally. Just being able to talk, is like a release.
Interestingly, I asked him what prompted him to text me (I thought the blog post was the prompt), but he just did, kinda felt prompted to? So it is definitely a God-incidence. Praise God!

I'm amazed at God's timing, and how He chooses to act. It doesn't solve the underlying problem, but it was such a great help - so thank you A, and thank you God.

At work, SST did a catch up, and asked about me (as a follow-up with what I shared back in Feb). And I trust these guys quite a lot (first time having such a deep relationship with colleagues), and I shared what I said in the first para of the blog, just as an indication that I wasn't doing well.

I did share with my boss my blog, coz he asked after my "revelation". He was quite surprised, that it was much worse than he thought. I hide my pain well.

I decided to take the next day off, caught up with a friend. But I also decided to let W in, as we were chatting. He went and read the blog post. I took Monday off, and we caught up for lunch.
It was again good to talk through, just to digest what's happening - whether I'm just imagining it and making it worse than what it is... 
The weird thing is that even though physically he is deteriorating, he feels free to live now that he is ready to die. Wow. And he was quite happy for me to share with him, and that it wouldn't "burden" him more than what he is going through.

Finally coming back to the office, I did have lunch with my boss, and had a heart to heart chat.

It really has been quite helpful actually, to be able to process my own thoughts, with brothers-in-Christ. I don't feel so alone, and am thankful for others to be able to journey with me. 

Pray for wisdom, as I feel a bit more ready to address the underlying issue. It still terrifies me (that it won't be resolved, or I won't know how to resolve it). Only Christ can really help, so pray for his Spirit to be working in hearts.

The spiritual battle continues.

Chink in the armor

I'm not feeling great.

Yes, what else is new.

I keep thinking that I wish I could swap places with W - let me be the one with terminal illness, and let him live. Not that I'm altruistic, but W seems like he has so much to live for, and me none. It's a selfish and sinful desire.

Life isn't fair is it?

I'm under attach by Satan. Nothing so obvious, not persecution; I didn't lose my job; not thrown in jail. No, the 2nd closest thing to my heart is under attack - my marriage; the 1st being my relationship with God.

I feel like it's falling apart, either in my head or in actuality.
I can't talk about it, the only one who really knows is W, and he's going through so much that I don't want to burden him with my problems.

I don't have anyone else to talk to.
R, who has kindly reached out to me in the past, is a wonderful guy - but single and far away.
A, my ex-bible study leader, knows a little of what happened 1.5 years ago.

The pain I feel, is all within me. It's not obvious, it's eating inside of me.
IF God took me away now, I will regret nothing. I have no bucket list, well - besides the salvation of my dad, AE who I've been reaching out to, my life - whilst it is precious and redeemed by the blood of Jesus, feels meaningless. It isn't, but I just feel like it. Empty. Void.

If I just disappeared, will anyone miss me? Ha.
My kids, may be sad for a bit. Maybe.
My colleagues do appreciate the work I do - that is my current escape. Pathetic.
Church friends? I don't have many/any I'm particularly close to.
Other friends? What other friends?

I play WOT, to kill time, and keep my mind from thinking too much.
I don't feel like taking photographs, I'm also suspended from riding my bike.
I'm listless, aimless.

I'm so dependent on my spouse, for love, affection - that my life feels spiraling out of control when Satan comes attacking my biggest chink in the armor.

My family is also struggling spiritually.
- CH can't be taught, can't listen to sermons. He knows everything. Preachers are all idiots.
- DY, barely hanging on. Still tunes in to recorded online services, but struggling. Smoking!
- CJ, stopped online church as well.
I have the responsibility as the spiritual leader. I am hanging on, reading my bible each day, crying to God, but feel battered and powerless to help my family.

Satan - you bastard.
Get behind me. Please.

Jesus, please fill me with your peace.
Please draw me close, help me cling on to you - because you are all I have. Left.
Help me in my pain, to fill that void. To love you with all of my heart, soul and strength.

Crack

The moment
the heart is broken
Soul crushed
Mind blank

I see it now, the pain.
Satan knows where it hurts
How to hurt
The one thing to squeeze
Prick open

And it all comes tumbling down
Paralyzed
Lost. Hurt.
Unwanted.

I said my goodbyes in my head
Saw the love of my life walk out
Rather catch the bus then for me to drop her off
Dropped DY off for first day at work.
Pray for me DY, and she asks innocently ‘now’?
Watched CJ engrossed in watching a show on his computer
Oblivious to the turmoil as I head out the door.

Crack.
There it goes again.
The moment the mind fractures.

Cry

I’m not coping.

Sitting in my car. Not wanting to go home, not wanting to spend money for a room.
Not wanting to live, not wanting to die.
Not wanting to be alone, but not wanting company.

I want Jesus to return now.
End my pain.

I could Christianize it and say to be with Christ is better. To die is gain.
Why does sin make life so difficult? Make relationships hard.

I am nothing. An inconvenience. Of no consequence. Make plans, no need to bother with me- since I am but a cage. Take me home God - now please. Then the cage is open. Fly free.
Why am I a cage? Since when have I become a cage.
I have become stale. You no longer laugh. With me.

When doing the right thing hurts

So, another thing happened at the end of last year.

After watching Spiderman with the fam, my older son drove home. And quite uncharacteristically, he drove really close to a park car, and hit the side mirror.
We stopped by the side, and I got out to check. From 5 meters away, it didn't look so bad, the side mirror and bent outwards (which they are designed to do), and I quickly ran back, saying only minor damage - and we drove off.

And my conscience weighed heavily on me, in the drive home which took 10min. If I kept quiet, no one would really know, and I think we would have "gotten away" scot free. But I also remembered someone backing into my wife's car whilst at Eastwood a year back, and drove off - that was very annoying, and expensive to fix.

Loving your neighbor means that since I didn't appreciate that being done to me, I should not do that to others. Or rather, the loving thing to do is to own up. The owner may not know, but God knows. And I am setting an example for the family too - they'll know.

So dropping the family off, I drove back. Parked the car near there, walked casually to the damaged car - I saw bits and pieces on the floor (oh no), and basically the whole side mirror was wrecked. So I wrote a note, apologising for the accident, left my name and number, then left.

It was night time before the person texted me. She was really appreciative of me leaving a note, and thanked me (which I must say felt good, rather than being screamed at!). And even then, there was a nagging thought that said that "you should have just left!". Sin is funny that way, it finds ways to persuade you that doing the wrong thing is the norm, it's ok. But spirit of God continued to nudge my conscience.

Weeks go by, and no news (maybe she decided that the fix wasn't expensive and did it out of her own pocket?!!!). Well, last night, she finally texted me. She did say that people all around (including workshop folks) couldn't believe I owned up. The costs was $683, which I of course transferred.
I did try and milk it by sharing that it's only because I knew God was watching, and if I wasn't a Christian - I probably would have just drove off!

It's a small price to pay for my conscience and "holiness". Now the question is, should I get my son to pay all of it? some of it? He's really only going to clear his previous debt, and it is my conscience at play here. Maybe I'll take it off his "long term" savings which I've been holding for him (he doesn't remember it now), but it's feels wrong for him to pay for my conscience. Maybe 50:50 is the way to go.

So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. 

James 4:17 ESV

The light at the end of the tunnel?

I don’t understand why the pond water level is still dropping? Need to stop bothering about it. I’ll look at it again after Summer School.

Back to the train otw to work.
I’ve realized that in my pain, I’ve not done my quiet time. Which I normally do on the train on work days. And this is God’s word to me

“Yet I am writing you a new command, which is true in Him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. The one who says he is in the light but hates his brother is in the darkness until now. The one who loves his brother remains in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭2:8-10‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

I feel like I am alone, in darkness. But it’s passing. I have full confidence in my salvation through Jesus. The true light is shining, and I pray that it will pierce my own darkness.

God wants me to forgive my dad. To love my dad as God loves us. Turn the other cheek. Do good even when the person does ‘evil’. I know it in my head. And deep down in my heart. I just have to obey. So I’ve swallowed my pride, wrote to my dad to say sorry. And that we’ll call him tomorrow.
We can’t control how others feeel- only how we respond.

God’s word is always true. He must be teaching me to trust and rely on him.
I don’t have a choice since I have no one to turn to. Only God.

I feel alone- but I am not.

The day after

At 2am, I went to check the pond. 1 koi dead, 1 goldfish dead, another koi almost dead.
The straw that breaks the camel’s back. I... am done.

I am numb. I feel numb. I can’t get to sleep- wishing to sleep and never wake up. Call me home God.
It’s 5am. Wife stirs, I’m not asleep. Yet. Am definitely not going to church. Not for lack of sleep- I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to just shrivel up.

Am I in depression? I wander. No, wonder.
I’m so tired, can’t sleep. Can’t clear the dead fish. Asked my sons to help. I just can’t.

I don’t think I’m Suicidal. Maybe I need to see a doctor.
I just need this year to be over. But what’s waiting in 2019?

To be with Christ. Is better.
I wonder if I’ll be missed. My immediate family’s lives will change. Probably for the worse.
No one understand. I feel so alone. Empty. Dry.

I am not in a good state of mind. I know that.

Ok, I had go help with the pond. Every single fish dead. Reminds me of once upon a time I had accidentally switched off the air pump to my dad’s pond. 30 years ago. How ironic. Payback’s a bitch.

Venting.

I seem to blog only when I'm upset.
I shouldn't be, this being Christmas week, and I'm on leave whole week - but I am.
I just bought my set of filters, meeting a fantastic photographer, and ready to use some time to take it out for a spin - but I havn't.

It started off when I got Chris to come see if he could help fix my broken window (it was dangerously dangling, and the glass could fall and shatter 2 storeys down), and also plug the flooding at the lowest part of my house, below the stairs. I'm just hopeless and fixing up the house.

When he came, the wife went to the garden to do stuff, and seemed not at all interested. I wanted her opinion on how the window was to be fixed, coz if Chris does it, and she doesn't like it, she'll get mad. But she seemed to take zero interest. I felt the burden of maintaining the house - just on myself.

I've been struggling to get the stupid swimming pool (which I hate) to get clean. Running to the pool shop many times, running the filter 24x7 for 10 days, and the after spending nearly $300, what I got, didn't work!

The next day, Chris comes, and we head to Bunnings, where buying planks (to build a scaffolding to reach up to the window) I stupidly thought the plank would fit into my car, closed the boot, and cracked the windscreen.
Back we went, and started work. And whilst Chris was nice, he kept asking me my opinion whether this product was ok, things about tools (which I was clueless and kept saying I had no idea). Sometimes he put a tool somewhere else, asked me where it was - I replied I didn't know, and he would be "Soo Sing , Soo Sing" - whilst shaking his head. I kept quiet.
By the end of the first day, we finished the window (it took one whole day!), and I was exhausted. Still another day to fix the leak.

We also have 2 dead gum trees, which I feared would fall onto the neighbours house - esp with the recent big storm, lots of branches fell, and some neighbours living trees were uprooted! The gum tree was dangerously arching over our neighbours house. So I had to organise this, talking with numerous "vendors", and took me a week to get it sorted out (they'll come tomorrow).

And the pond's water was dropping 2 inches a day. A big branch fell (during the said storm), and killed a koi, plus must have torn the pond lining. So I spend today replacing it - thankfully my older son was there to help me some.

And it's been such a hot week! 42 degrees yesterday, 39 today.

Then tonight, DY kindly wrote to me dad. He was pleased, told my wife, but also took the opportunity to say that she's nice, unlike me. And threatened that I have a lot at stake in Singapore (i.e. inheritance?!!!). What the hell! (pardon the cursing), really - that's how you want to relate?
All I hear are snide remarks to the Goh chat.
So despite it being such a busy period for me - I'm going to take leave and fly back for CNY. It isn't because I'm afraid of losing my inheritance (my eternal inheritance is secure), but it's the right thing to honour him. So, swallow my pride, and anger, booked my flight.

And when the pool is finally swimmable, it turned green yesterday. REALLY?!!!
Hate the pool. Hate the house maintenance. Hate having to chase my kids to do their chores. Hate feeling like the responsibility of the house is just mine.

And my stupid phone is dying on me, can't take photos now, and my game keeps crashing.
Wasted the whole week doing nothing but chores, and melting at home.

Passive-Aggressive

I've realized that I can be a passive-aggressive person.

I am, largely, a person who avoids conflict.
They make me uncomfortable.

And so, when I get annoyed/upset, I withdraw.
I withdraw from others, I bury myself and hide in my hole.
I internalize my anger, try and rationalize it away.

I try very hard not to react immediately, because whatever comes out immediately, willl always come out wrongly. If serious enough, I try to wait a day or 2, before I "give" my response.
It allows me to process what I want to say, strip out the emotional element, the anger elements, and "craft" it to be more constructive.

But repeated triggers, often results in the cap blowing off.
Often, my own kids - whether it is a repeated issue I've been telling them "nicely" to do, and there is that straw that breaks the camel's back, that results in me lashing out immediately.
Which I will always regret doing, and end up apologising for. Lack of self-control. Anger.

And whilst I internalize my immediate reactions, I am often very aware of my own passive-aggressive behavior. I know that I am angry. I know that my anger is simmering. I don't want to tell the person who has offended me that I am angry.

Instead, I show my anger by... silence. By the obvious withdrawing - or at least obvious to me.
I read my book, watch some telly - but I need to be alone. I want to be alone.
And I want to indulge in my anger, letting it simmer.

Until such time, I know that I need to repair the relationship, and tell the person that I am angry, and why. And by then, hopefully I am able to do it, in a way that doesn't blow up further. Hopefully objectively.

Only those closest to me, see that side of me. Often my immediate family members.

Anyway, I am angry now. Angry since last night. Passively angry.
I know it is wrong, sinful. I need to not let it simmer, and not give the devil a foothold.

Pray for me.

 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:26-27New International Version (NIV)

Trip to the "Dark" Side

Yes, we did. Secretly. A guilt trip, done in the cover of night, knowing that no one we know (from church) will ever be there. Yes, we went to a Hillsong service. All 5 of us. We crossed over to the dark side...

So my wife's friend was visiting, and wanted to go to a Hillsong service. Saturday worked out best as she was leaving Sunday morning, and we didn't really want to miss church on Sunday.
Hearing so much about Hillsong, its too easy to judge, based on hearsay.

So I wanted to go, to find out for myself what it is like. My kids all know Hillsong music, and we've sung them, along with EMU songs and bunch of other songs. But here, there is this big divide between the Sydney Anglicans and Hillsong, going back to when I was a student over 20 years ago - I knew that I wasn't happy to hear about the differences via heresay but to see/experience it all for myself. And so I went along.

As I walked in, this is what greeted me:

It was literally rather dark. It was like walking into a concert/disco - dim lights, laser/strobe lighting, loud music, big focus on the music, and esp the music leader. Crowds were upfront, waving their hands, jumping along to the music - it was... and experience. I unfortunately didn't know the songs (guess I don't keep up with the latest Hillsong albums) - but observed.

I love the sound system, polish, perfectly balanced, the drummer was fantastic, deep booming sounds. The music team were all very good, no one was looking at scores - every one seems to have memorized the songs/lyrics. . Lights were focused on whoever was leading the songs, with their image projected onto the screen.

The whole service was very seamless, very smooth, weaving seamlessly from song, to announcements, to prayer. The service was big on experience and emotion (to me), drawing everyone in.

I've been to services where the focus was hardly on Jesus, but not this service. In all honesty, Jesus was the main "focus", lots of references to Jesus, praising Jesus, big cross projected on the background.

At the end of the service, there were many things which surprised me

1.Structure of the Service. 
Length was a very normal 1.5 hours, couple of songs, announcements, some prayer, sermon, giving, end with a song. Pretty standard I think. I was surprised that the sermon was maybe half hour? I expected a very short sermon. I expected a lot more singing.

2.Announcements
All very professionally done. Very slick, polished. Think movie trailer polished.

3.Charismatic or Pentecostal?
There a few references to healing, one "prophesy" to a named member of the congregation, another to an unnamed person, but no speaking in tongues that I witnessed.
But there was nothing about 2nd baptism of Holy Spirit (ok I just attended 1 service) - so I guess I would consider Hillsong more charismatic and not pentecostal. 

4.Prosperity Gospel
I really expected a big push, but I thought at best mild overtones of it.
They do sell a lot books by Prosperity Gospel teachers, you recognize as their faces are plastered all over the front page, looking like a million dollars. They probably do have a few. 

5."Star" of the service. 
I kinda expected a big sell on the main speaker, or the main pastor, "fluffers" to hype up the crowd before the main "star" showed up. But I didn't even know the pastor's name, and some introduction to the "guest" speaker Frank Damaggio  - who had written over 30 books. But he looked pretty "ordinary", not what a "typical" prosperity gospel preacher I had imagined.
To be honest, plenty of focus on "Jesus", lots of "Cross = Love".

6. The Sermon.

This was always going to be what makes and breaks a service for me - the most important part of the service, and how a "church" teaches the bible.

The message was about Peace, peace of God, and going through the storm of life.
A simple message, driven topically, with passages quoted in support.

To be fair, it wasn't at all "heretical". The main drive was that the Peace of God surpasses all circumstances, and is based on God himself. Amen!
The sermon had no exegesis though, it was a message with scripture, and not scripture which gives us the message. Preacher had a couple of "Hebrew" words, which I wasn't sure whether they were right, good for effect "sounds like the guy knows his stuff", but nothing very critical.
Sermon was big on application, it was focused on where we were, the various possible scenarios, fishing a net wide so that we would be drawn in - yes, God's word for me! Since there was no need for exegesis, there's plenty of time for application.

There is plenty to be said for this, I don't think it helps the congregation learn how to read the bible, how to read in their context, before we can learn what it says to our context. But it does apply for those are already feeling out of their depth, they need to hear that God's peace is true peace, that doesn't falter despite our circumstances. It appealed to my older son, and he needs to hear it from someone else (besides me?) right now.

So, it's like bandaid, good in small doses, helps some people. But you wouldn't put bandaid for heart surgery. I don't think for a Christian's long term growth, that's enough. You need more than quick fix, band aid, feel good sermons. You need to know the Word of God, learn how to read it, understand it, grow from infants to adults, be a Berean, so that you know when wolves come in sheep clothing, false teachers who come with half-truths, which are all the more insidious than direct falsehood.

7.Offering
Again, not as big a push as I'd expect. They did take another offering for the guest speaker though...  that is unusual for me.

8.Music
Hillsong is all about its music.They have improved a lot (I think), from Jesus is my boyfriend type of songs, to a lot of songs I would listen and like - maybe not all.
The style is a matter of choice, I don't particularly enjoy the full on concert/disco ambience, but that is probably cultural. I have no problems people enjoying it.

9.Overall take away
The whole service is a slick presentation that caters to the Emotion, how the music is played, the interludes, the prayers, the sermon - they want you to feel good, to enjoy the experience, they cater to the young, reach out to today's generation, they you to know that they love Jesus, and Jesus loves you, and do a good job.

Whilst the form is important, I think what builds the Christian up is substance. How we go from infants in the faith, to go from milk to solid food (1 Cor 3), is to know God's word, to be a Berean (Acts 17:11). We need to equip ourselves to guard ourselves against false teachers.

Last thoughts
There is a lot of negativity towards Hillsong, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

There is a lot of things they do well.They are as "bad" as I thought they would be.
I think that they are things we can learn from them, just as things they could learn from us.


And I am glad I went and sat through a service, maybe more in the future, to go with my family if they want to. I want to know what they are learning, experiencing - so that I can better equip myself when we chat, and when others talk about Hillsong.

There will be people offended by what I've said (I think), those who think that I have "criticized" Hillsong, and those who think I actually went to Hillsong and even "complemented" them.
My lesson is that we should be quick to listen, slow to speak (James 1), and I would add, slow to judge. Whether the issue is on Homosexuality, on Charismatic movement, on women ordination, it will be worthwhile to pause, pray for wisdom, listen, discuss.

 James 1:19-20 (ESV)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Reflections from Summer School 2017

So we finally got to go for the famed CMS Summer School just in early 2017.
It's 7 days of talks and fellowship, quite different from other camps I've been to, namely

a) the program is from 9am to 12, then 7 to 9.30 - with free time in between (its normally whole day program)
b) everyone finds their own accommodation (I'm used to people all staying together at one place)
c) no food provided! (we have to find/cook own meals)
d) 7 days! that's long!

Things I've really enjoyed

1.Talks
I'd not heard of him before, but William Taylor's talks on Genesis 12-23 on promises to Abraham were really excellent. 7 days means that the speaker got to take his time to expound the scripture, slowly develop the theme. Talks were profound, in depth, thoughtful, challenging. Oh, how I've missed in depth teaching.

Get them here: http://cmsnswact.myshopify.com/

2.Catching up with people - new
The thing that is done at Summer School with all the free times and self organized meal times, is to invite people over. So we got to lunch with James & Celia Toose one lunch (I work next to James, but know nothing of him really, so it's nice to get to know them); and our minister Gary Koo and fam over for dinner.

Lunch with my colleagues, I got to know my colleagues father-in-law who turns out to be Anglican Bishop of North WA- I got to learn about the Christian scene over there, and the structure of Anglican Diocese.

3.Catching up with people -old
Since coming back, I've been wanting to catch up with Joshua Ng, who has been in fellowship with me since leaving Uni. So I was quite pleased to bump into him one morning, and had a quick catch up. We arranged for lunch (as people do @ Summer School), but didn't get a chance (more later). We used to 'Library Lawn" regularly, and I remember trying to share the gospel with my broken Mandarin, his Cantonese - hilarious like chickens talking with ducks. What I will always remember was his parting words to me, as I headed back to Singapore "Don't trade your inheritance for a bowl of porridge", as we looked at Jacob and Esau, words which have held meaning all these years.

Then another morning, I walked by a guy with name tag "James Warren", doubled back, and I had to say hi! James was the MTS worker who followed me up in 1993/1994, when he led Focus whilst Joshua was away in Chicago doing some theological degree. I remember I was going through all the modules of School of Christian Ministry (SOCM) run by Unichurch, and when I finished all of them, he suggested reading the bible 1 to 1 with me on a weekly basis, which I really enjoyed.

And of course he had no recollection of me! sob sob.
Well, it has been 23 years.. but I was so pleased to meet someone so key in helping me grow as a Christian, been wanting to since I came back to Sydney.

2 days later, I bumped into Stuart Milne - MTS worker Commerce Christians in 1992, then FOCUS in 1993. I became a Christian in June 1992, during the MYC, and Stuart was my mentor, following me up, teaching me, and even encouraging me to lead a bible study group (which I thought he was nuts!) which I think we did Colossians. Thankfully, he remembered me and even remembered that I play the piano by ear - amazing!

I was blown away that I got to meet all 3 people who were the key people who started me on my walk with God (besides Philip Jensen who preached when I accepted Christ) - they were the people who labored, faithful in their ministry, and getting to see the "fruit" so many years later. Thank you for your ministry, thank you God for your faithfulness - I am ever in your debt (all of you, esp God!).

4. Challengers
One of the biggest challenge was that the format of the camp, was hard on my boys.
My older son didn't have a program for him, and so he didn't enjoy sitting with adults, and left to go back for Sydney after only attending 1 session.
This also had a negative impact on my younger son, who was left "without" a friend to hang out with.

In the past, when everyone stayed together in a hotel, kids could just hang out in other people's rooms, not dependent on parents for transport and logistics. And our kids didn't have the privilege of years of Summer School-ing like other kids.

Broke our hearts. And we cancelled our plans to meet Joshua/Karen, and the Brammalls, and others.
Well worth spending the day with CJ, and thankfully we got to meet another family with adopted children, and our kids got on really well together after that! CJ was "happier" to go back to the program with another friend - so thank you God for providing. It was a lesson for us to always be mindful of how our kids are adapting, and we always have to look out for them.

DY surprisingly got on well with the program, and getting to know friends.

5.Meeting New People (part 2)
So we got to know another family with adopted kids, and uncannily, the dad was the previous Treasurer of where I work! He's a legend, having worked with the branch and Federal side for maybe 30 years in all! He built the finance foundation of everything I do at work, so it was a real privilege to meet him! What a small world.

CMS Summer School is like a big gathering of Sydney's Evangelicals - everyone kinda knows everyone. I've met people who have been coming to 30-40 Summer Schools? Amazing. 

6.Mission and Missionaries
The last thing I really appreciated is hearing a different side from the missionaries. Often at work, I know of the problems, but what was good was to hear of their ministry, and that gives me a much more holistic view and a better appreciation of what they do, who they are, and the work I do. What a privilege.

And great that my wife can meet the people I work with, and see what my work is about from the people directly.

All in, it was a tiring week, but really good and encouraging week.
I've also learned that my introverted side of me gets more "significant" the older I get. After a week of meeting people, I spent my weekend after just recovering at home. Surprising to many, I get my energy from being alone, whether it is reading, working on my computer, playing computer games, I need that down time - interesting huh.

A Big Thanks to the organizers of Summer School. I'll be back, see you in 2018! What a great start to the year.

Last Picture

This is a post that has been sitting in my draft folder for a number of years. After 5 years, I think I am ready to post this blog.

*************************************

I have resisted posting this picture.

After my mom was put into ICU (she never recovered consciousness), my dad and I visited her each morning, and each evening.


At various stages, she was hooked up to 7-9 different syringes, a kidney dialysis machine (the green machine), something to clean the sepsis from the blood, a lung machine, something to help her breathe, covered with ice (she was running a fever of 40), a tube to drain the urine, lots of other monitoring devices,  etc.


I snapped this, as we were about to leave, with my dad taking a last look, say his silent goodbye, before we headed back to our hotel, and which turns out to be - loosely speaking - the only picture of my mom in hospital (albeit blocked by my dad), and the last picture of her alive.  At the end of each day, the look differed: firstly, a look of concern (at the beginning), then a look of hopefulness (that the next day will get better), before a look of hopelessness (when we knew nothing more could be done) - all in a week.


This is not a facebook picture. I cannot demean it.
My folks, have never had the best of relationships. Often, I felt they co-existed, relationship distilled down to just functional. The trip to Italy with my parents (and brother's family and mine), was special, not only because it was our last holiday with our mom, it was special for me to see how my parents interacted.

2 days before my mom was warded, when I was just with her in her hotel room, she burst out saying that without my dad, she would have been dead (my dad spent a whole day walking around Florence, looking for a walking cane for her). For the first time, I see a sense of respect, a sense of humble dependence, a deep sense of gratitude towards my dad, which was what I always thought as missing, and a real wedge in their relationship.

From how my dad went out of his way, to do anything possible to help my mum, it was, in my own eyes, as good as it gets. They may not have had the best of relationships, but they ended as best as they could.

I miss my mom. Never thought I would, honestly - but I do.
As unhappy as she was in Singapore, she was truly carefree, on holiday, and when she visited me overseas. Our Singapore home (where my dad lives), is no longer the same, not as warmth. Each visit, I suddenly miss her nagging one of us to pick up our clothes, fuss over the kids' food or bath. I miss making her laugh.

In her simple faith, I do hold on to God's mercy, that she did indeed accept Jesus in her heart, and now with Jesus.

This verse is special, I picked this verse to be inscribed on her niche - just seems so fitting for her. Enjoy Jesus mum, wait for me.

Revelation 21:4 ESV
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

All boxed up and ready to go.

1st day of packers. Living room done, store done, kid's bedroom done. Tomorrow, they'll come and finish up the kitchen, and Master room.

And thus ends another chapter of our lives.
This is 5th time we've had packers - first being 2003 when we moved from Makassar to Singapore. We moved from SinMing to Shunfu in 2004 (minor move), to Vietnam in 2008, to Jakarta in 2011, and now to Sydney.

There is a sense of cleansing, as I pack and throw away stuff. Stuff that seemed important 5 years ago, not having touched it once, and quite unlikely I was going to touch it ever again. The passage of time gives a sense of clarity as to what is important, what is valuable. Each move, forces us to re-evaluate our priorities, our belongings, it either gets cast aside or grows in its importance, our sense of attachment.

I brought maybe 4 suits over from Vietnam and got rid of 3, just keeping the suit which I got married in, which surprisingly still fits! From maybe 50 ties, I kept maybe 12, which I think is 12 too many. There could be some remote possibility that I'd need to wear a tie now and then, so no harm keeping a few. And I already imagine my driver with his ill fitting Zegna suit and Armani ties...

I feel a wanton glee as I get rid of stuff, masochistic? maybe. As I grow older, I find that I'd like to live a simple life. Material things don't mean as much any more, branded things lose their sense of worth.

Sure there are things I still keep, that are beyond plain functional - the cards my family gave, old photos, things that can never be replaced by money or time. I love my Tibetan Chests with the chewed leg courtesy of Moppy, our dog in Vietnam, or the glass cabinet we found in in someone's kitchen in Makassar. Each piece is a memory from a chapter of our lives.

When my kids came back from school today, their rooms are bare, living room stacked with boxes. I ask my son if he is sad, and he says.. yes, but I don't want to talk about it. My daughter says... no, why should I? Miss Contrarian... :)
I think about my son's response - it saddens me. Whilst I am quite ready to leave, and look forward to the next chapter of my life, I feel a little sad that my kids have to bear the consequence of our decisions - for better or worse.

Oh yes, it can be for worse. As our experience last year.
How will it be for our younger 2 as we move. It is hard for them to leave their friends. They have settled well here, made good friends, and that will be difficult. Will we turn around in a year and regret our move?

My only hope is that they find a place where they can grow and thrive as Christians, above all else. Deep down, I pray and hope that they find a thriving youth group, where they encourage each other to grow in their love of God. I am not outsourcing their Christian learning to others, but I do realize that as they get older, the role of the parent becomes less.... influential. I want us as a family to love God, each individual wanting to know God more, serve God - and not do it just because mum and dad say so.

Life is full of choices, decisions are full of risks. We hope to do what is best, based on our flawed human understanding, marred with sin, ego and foolishness.
Thankfully, God continues to be Sovereign - thank God! He uses us, despite our sinfulness, our pride and foolishness, and uses the circumstances we find ourselves in, for his purposes. We don't always see how things work out, how they unfold. We continue to be works in progress.

I pray that our move works out. I pray for my kids, to adapt, to grow in their love of Jesus. I pray that we will continue to serve God where we are.

Life is an adventure. And as we finish up here in Jakarta, as we end this chapter, let's see how the next chapter unfolds. It'll be scary, exciting, there'll be moments of joy, moments of heartache.

Watch out Sydney, here we come.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 

Wishlist for All Saints

I had a nice lunch with the folks I work with @ All Saints Anglican church - where I have been Treasurer for the last 4 years. I am very thankful for their partnership in the gospel, the opportunity for me to serve alongside - and their love for God's people in Indonesia.

During lunch John S asked me an interesting question - what would my wishlist be for All Saints. So I gave it some thought, shared it. So, if I were to come back in 10 years (say), I would love to see

1.Breaking down of walls within
Through the years, I see some "walls" being built up. It was good to see the wall between Menteng and South Jakarta broken down.
I would like to see Outreach ministry and All Saints be much more integrated. I kinda kick started the process just, but I hope to see that we are one, one church, one body of Christ, doing what God wants to do in Indonesia.

2.Breaking down of walls without
I still think there is a lot of distrust/wall with GAI and Diocese of Singapore - both of which we need, and are in a legal way - the parent church/entity - although we are pretty much self sustaining.
All Saints needs to keep think outside of All Saints, the gospel work outside of the church.
GAI as a denomination isn't at all thriving, short of pastors and funding - and I think we have a big role to play in building the whole denomination, taking in pastoral interns, encouraging GAI pastors, supporting them however we can.

There's also a lot of distrust with the Diocese of Singapore. They move slowly, very very slowly. They don't seem to trust us, and most people in All Saints think we don't need them - except for Constitution changes, otherwise, they are a thorn in the side, of no help, only hindrance.

Well, I would like the Diocese to be much more responsive - treat All Saints as one of their congregations as we are. It needs to be a 2 way street. Our communication isn't as good as it can be.
I would like for All Saints to work with GAI and Diocese - use the network All Saints have (rather than just reinvent the wheel) - and together build up the Anglican church in Indonesia, and see the gospel grow.

If GAI fails, we will suffer.
If there is poor communication with Diocese, we will suffer.
And God's work will suffer.

3.Be all things to all men
I would like to All Saints to have a new service that is less liturgical, bit more lively, less formal - but still good bible teaching. Just as there is a place for liturgy - some people are more comfortable with it - there is also many people who wish to have less liturgy (like me!), and attract that group of people raised on Hillsongs - but will solid bible teaching.

With the change of demographics, I would like to see All Saints grow also Indonesian service it has. We are no longer just an "expat" church. We are part of the gospel here in Indonesia, and I would like to see us bring more Indonesians in, have full time Indonesian ministers.

4.Vibrant Youthwork
I think what is lacking is a vibrant youth ministry. As many know, my kids have decided to go IES for church instead of All Saints. It's a pretty sad state, there aren't many kids.
A good solid youth ministry is key to grow of the church. You would attract families. People will come and hear the gospel.

5.Good use of Menteng
This is new (I didn't mention this yesterday).
The land we have in Menteng is a tremendous resource, and a valuable one.
It has in the past been a thorn in the side - and I would like to see the placed used for more than just All Saints meeting.

Past leaders had vision to redevelop the land. I see a new building, used by GAI and other Christian organizations, maybe a place for Langham to conduct its training; a place to equip the saints, a place to to be used for God's glory. And if it becomes such a burden, a source of contention, an idol - then maybe sell it for better use. The church cannot be about a piece of land, or a building, but the people of God. Let's not lose our focus on that. I pray.

ok, 5 things on my wishlist.
All in God's good hands, and in the hands of his people.

Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:14-16 The Message.

Eat Fat. Lose Weight.

In the beginning....
So... we holidayed with our friends Wing and Jackie July2015. And in the morning, we woke up to sounds of a breakfast being cooked - and they asked if we'd like them to add more stuff for us! Bacon, eggs, avocado - all prepared for us, no effort - so hey, sure!

This was followed by lunch, and eventually, the most of the meals on our trip! Everything was rich, full of bacon, fat, cream. And they were doing this because of health reason! Get more bacon, get healthy - I could live with that. So.... I decided to give it a go. 

Oh, I should say that it is a Low Carb High Fat diet (or rather way of eating). Basically no added carbs (rice, noodles, bread, sugars, glucose), more fat content (butter, avocado, bacon... hmmm... bacon!) Lots of info found here http://www.dietdoctor.com/

So July2015, I was like 83-84kg. Unfit, bit flabby.
I had tried reducing rice, which brought my weight down quickly to 78kg in a month or 2, but slowly crept back up to 84.

Results - after a month of this change in eating patterns - nothing changed. Hmmm...
Well, month 2-4 was interesting. I started losing weight... hitting about 75 kg (9kg in 3 months). Then it kinda tapered off, although slowly inching down. I hit 72 kg a few weeks ago!
My wife wasn't too impressed with the weight loss though, too much she said, my cousin thought I was anorexic, and others who hadn't seen me in a while, thought I'd recovered from an illness. So I did the occasional Carbs, esp when my older son was back - he loved pizza, and noodles from Kenanga - which I also love. When I indulged in carbs, immediately I put on 1 kg the next day. then it comes off in a day or 2. And my older son who used to make fun of how flabby I was - exclaimed that I was much too bony now! Exaggeration runs high in the family....

What I found hardest on this diet was - not eating fruits. I love fruits, often just eating a tray of papaya for dinner, or 1 kg of dragonfruit or mangoes! Giving up fruit was the hardest. But I got over it very quickly, got used to not eating fruit. Although I ended up constipated for a number of months - which was not pleasant.

And why I like this diet (its important, because a diet only works if t is sustainable).
1.Eat when you are hungry; stop when you are full - I hate it when people say eat till 80% full, the u are left hungry all the time!
2.Bacon and fat. Food high in fat - tastes yummy. BACON!
3.Nothing wrong in skipping meals. I don't eat breakfast - so this diet is good.
4.Coffee is good. Without sugar and milk, which is how I take it.
5.Whilst exercise is good for you - it isn't integral to the diet.
6.I don't  get that sleepy after meals effect.
7.Quick (good) results - are encouraging.
8.Just less flabby/sluggish in general

Medical Tests
I also just did a cholesterol test - I have been on statins for the last 20 years or so, with a history of high cholesterol that is largely genetic. Eating more fat, would of course mean higher saturated fat in the body. But the fact is, despite me being lazy, and only eating my meds once in 2-3 days, or whenever I remember, the total and bad cholesterol was marginally high (not any higher than before), and the specialist did say that I could stop my meds, although I'd need to keep monitoring.

Last words
Anyway, if you are interested, go check out the link above. I won't go into details about why fats are good, what type of fats, and why carbs/sugars are bad.

And this isn't for everyone - obviously. But it worked for me, sustainable - and I feel much better. I don't feel unhealthy at all.

Eat more bacon, it's good for u. :)

Reflections from an Interview.

So.... I went for an interview.

Which isn't new, or news. I enjoy talking with people, potential employers - to see what is out there, to see if I could picture myself at their place, to see what other companies are doing etc.

But this was the first time an ex-company wanted to interview me - which was so strange that it terrified me. We had parted ways, and I was sure we were both happier after. That they considered interviewing me, confused me, terrified me, that I froze. I had to go talk with my brother, and that was really good in just clarifying my fears/thoughts. So I agreed to chat with some of my old bosses, I had nothing to lose?

It ended.... abruptly, although not badly. And no, I am quite sure this is where it ends.

I am not sure why, but I had a lot to think about this.

On reflection, they would have concluded my current job size is too small.
Working for my current employer, is different from any corporate. When they realized that the market cap of my company was so small, and that it was basically a privately owned company, they made their mind up, and ended the call. I was really surprised, as they didn't talk about what the job entails at all.

I made a "mistake" of overhearing their discussion, and I heard how "unprofessional" I was, in referring to my ultimate boss as "Matriarch". I was stunned. and I quickly switched off my phone.
I also recall a question why I would work for a Indonesian family-run conglomerate.

More reflection on my own career, I know
a) This is where God has put me.
He has always closed and opened the right doors, and always only 1 door - so far. He has made it clear when it was time to leave. So I'm here, not because of any career planning on my part. It's my own journey, and trusting in God in his provision - but clearly, God opened this door, and only this door. I have nothing to apologize for - thank YOU very much.

b) I am, who I am.
No, I am not Yahweh - but I will not exaggerate what I do, or lie.
Perhaps I need to think of ways to explain it better to people who don't understand the Indonesian context, to phrase things better. In the "interview" I was chatting as I would talk. It was not an interview per se - as it was more out of curiosity, than me desperate for a job. But I will always be myself, they need to know this is who I am - better than me acting, then finding out that there's a wrong fit later.

c) Career path
At the beginning, I felt "looked-down" on. And they aren't wrong.
I am not on a career path to bigger and better titles. My responsibilities has changed, I've had to adapt, and learn new things, new ways of relating to people. But from a secular/career point of view, I have not "progressed" - and this has nothing to do with salary.

But as I reflect, right from my first job interview, I've always said that 2 most important things in my life is my relationship with God, and with my family. And hopefully, it won't change.
A job is the right job - when it allows me time to do ministry and time with the family. Of course having a stable good pay is a bonus! But titles, pay, responsibilities aren't so important?

And I am thankful it ended that way, not that I am happy.
I am thankful that God made it clear to me - it isn't the right path for me. The culture, expectations won't fit.  I am thankful God answered my prayer, which I prayed lots for wisdom - and as hard as it is for my ego and pride, it is the right answer.

And with my current situation, I hardly do any traveling, employers are really good to me, I enjoy working with the people, I have dinner with my family almost every night and have lots of time with them, I've hardly had to work OT or weekends, I have time for ministry.


What more can I ask for? - see next post :)


Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Do not be wise in your own eyes;
    fear the Lord and shun evil.

Proverbs  3:5-7

Who's your Soul Mate?

2 nights ago, my daughter declared that I was her soul mate!

To which my younger son immediately responds - EWWWW!
DY then says, soul mate doesn't have to be your husband or wife what....
I think my older son believes that there is a soul mate just for him.

Despite me holding my wife to be my soul mate, she shows me an article - the next morning - from HuffPost about a wife writing that husband isn't her soul mate. Wonder what she was implying..... no wait... she wasn't implying...



Did a rare thing today, whilst killing time trying to get from Tamworth to Jakarta, taking me about 21 hours..... and I did some thinking!
It occurred to me that "soul mates" mean quite different things to different people. Here's a few:

 1.Fated Soul Mate
In your life, there is meant to be just 1 person - that is perfect for you, and meant for you - to spend the rest of your life with.

This is most probably the result of watching too many Hollywood movies/series, that the world's values have greatly influenced how we think.
Firstly, fate is quite different to God's sovereignty. Ok, God knows who I was going to marry, but I doubt that the person you marry is just that perfect partner for me, or you. God's will doesn't revolve around arranging marriages for perfect partners.

So the problem is that we are all sinful. Perfection died at the Garden of Eden. Hope restored at the cross, but true perfection occurs only when Jesus returns again.

So the person you marry, it can be an arranged marriage, I think getting to choose who you marry is pretty neat, but I do see too many "chosen" marriages ending. Liking and getting along with the person you marry is a big bonus.

I think that if you spend your life looking for that "special" one, you will be sorely disappointed, you will be disillusioned. You may even end up missing out on "spouse" material, always waiting for "something better" to come along.

I've mentioned to my kids how there are really only 4 main criteria (loosely speaking) in the bible for a spouse: 1) Not related; 2) Not of the same sex; 3) Not already married; 4) preferably a Christian. There's nothing about compatibility, personality matches, social strata equality, class, race or even ability to earn money! Maybe God missed out a few things? Nah.

Good reason to get married is that it helps you in your godliness. If you can stay single - good! If you find someone to get married - good! Both have pros and cons. Both are incomplete, a stop gap in this life, until the time Jesus comes again, then the real stuff happens!

As much as I love my wife, I do not think "FATE" brought us together. She is my "soul mate" not because she is perfect for me. And me liking her and getting along with her - isn't the reason why I think she is my "soul mate". (more on this later).

2. Companionship Soul Mate

Perhaps my daughter was referring to this. We get along, we make fun of each other, and enjoy each other's company. This could be friendship between best friends. They could be "soul mates", but not in a sexual way. They are just best of friends, through thick and thin.

Like "How I met your mother" or "Friends" group of friends.
A little bit idealistic. People grow up, childhood friends go in different direction, get married, have kids, move to different countries.

I think you are "lucky" if you can cling on to a close group of friends, with friendships that stand the test of time. But hardly what I consider as Soul Mates. Just weird....


3.My definition of Soul Mate

Well, back to me. I think of my wife as my soul mate - in that I want to spend the rest of my days with her. I lover her company, we parent better together. Sure there are times where we disagree, and things we still don't like about each other (despite being married for.... 19 years?!!!).

Whilst I don't think we were "fated" to be together, we chose to get married. And we chose to Love.
That is quite different to "being in love" that fluttery feeling of infatuation. The love we chose, was demonstrated on the cross by God. God chose to love us, when we were unlovable, his enemies. We choose to love someone, regardless of how we feel at each moment. We love despite the other person - you know, for better or worse, for richer or poorer. Vows we are familiar with, but seldom see in practice.

The World loves when the going is good. And bails when it going is bad. But that is not how God loves, and we as his Children, we learn from him. I choose to love my kids, when they are at their cutest, and even when they drive me up the wall.

My "soul mate" is not someone set out for me from the beginning, but someone whom I choose to love, choose to be my "soul mate". And keep loving/choosing. Even when the days are rough. It is by the will of the 2 people, and the grace of God, that they can become "my definition of Soul Mates".

Does that make sense?

4.The REAL Soul Mate
Remember that HuffPost article my wife showed me? Despite my initial disappointment (that she didn't think I was her Soul Mate), after I reached the end of the article, I agreed with her.

Basically, it says your spouse is a great companion, but cannot make you whole or complete you. That is God. We were created to to have God as God of our lives, the center of our lives. God completes us, his Spirit renews us, His Son saves us. Read the article in the link, it's good. But it makes sense.

If we make our spouse the "god" of our lives, then we have a new idol, or a different idol in our lives. If it isn't your spouse, it could be your family, your hobby, your work. Nothing can complete you, only God as your God can "complete" you.

I have a friend on facebook, who pines for a soul mate with every other post. Pines for the love lost, how life is incomplete unless you have someone who loves you.

Good news! We all do!
Yes, God loves each and everyone of us. He loves us, even when we are sinners, when we reject Him. He loves us when we are his enemies. Despite all the rubbish we throw at him, all the stuff we get ourselves into, He loves us so much that he sent his own son to die for you, for me.  True love. Not the fluffy fleeting Hollywood love - the REAL stuff!

The challenge for me then is - does God really complete me? Do I really want to spend as much time as possible with Him? Do I pine for Him, remember his love for me?

Knowing it in theory, is one thing. Knowing it in your heart- is another.

.

Bank Calls

Like in most countries, I get these calls from banks trying to sell me something.

In Singapore, when I was (rarely) in the mood, I would entertain the caller.
I do remember one particular call, about 10 years back, the CSO proposed to me!
She offered me a small gift if I signed up, but I said that for me to sign up, it'll need be a bigger gift.... and she asked like what.. I said... how about a flat screen TV? 
Then she said that she'll have to marry me if she gave a TV?!!!!
And it was me who was then speechless....

Well, here in Indonesia, it almost always goes like this (with me)

CSO: (Bahasa) Are you [Name]? I am calling from [Bank]
Me: (Intentionally in English) Yes, how can I help you or sometimes, Yes, how can you help me?
CSO: (Broken English) Oh... Can you speak Indonesia (sp)?
Me: Can you speak in English?
CSO: No...
Me: Ok, thank you - bye. (hang up)



Yesterday, was a bit different.
After the usual verification, and my usual reply

CSO: (fumbles mike and passes to another person)
CSO2: Hello
Me:So what do you want?
CSO2: (quickly passes to another person)
CSO3: Hello...
Me: So, what do you want?
CSO3: (Confidently in English) Oh, I don't want anything...
Me: Ok good. Bye. 

They didn't call back.

A slice of Heaven?

I love my bible study group.
Last night was rare, to have all men - our study on 2 Corinthians 13:12 on giving each other "Holy Kiss" didn't go so well....

As we were sharing prayer points with each other, it occurred to me that just in our midst, us 9 guys were folks from 7 different countries! England; US; Japan, Holland; Iraq; Indonesia (of course)... and even Singapore!

Over the many Sundays, I've met people from Iran; Australians; Nigerians; Afghanistan; South Americans; Canadians; Scottish; Irish; Chinese; Malaysian; Bulgarians; even a Russian of Korean decent.

There are many things which I think could be better at church, but that diversity is something which I've never quite experienced before.

And it seems that right there (back to my bible study) - it is perhaps a picture of what Heaven will be like. And it'll be pretty neat.


After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!”
Revelation 7:9-10 (ESV)