Passive-Aggressive

I've realized that I can be a passive-aggressive person.

I am, largely, a person who avoids conflict.
They make me uncomfortable.

And so, when I get annoyed/upset, I withdraw.
I withdraw from others, I bury myself and hide in my hole.
I internalize my anger, try and rationalize it away.

I try very hard not to react immediately, because whatever comes out immediately, willl always come out wrongly. If serious enough, I try to wait a day or 2, before I "give" my response.
It allows me to process what I want to say, strip out the emotional element, the anger elements, and "craft" it to be more constructive.

But repeated triggers, often results in the cap blowing off.
Often, my own kids - whether it is a repeated issue I've been telling them "nicely" to do, and there is that straw that breaks the camel's back, that results in me lashing out immediately.
Which I will always regret doing, and end up apologising for. Lack of self-control. Anger.

And whilst I internalize my immediate reactions, I am often very aware of my own passive-aggressive behavior. I know that I am angry. I know that my anger is simmering. I don't want to tell the person who has offended me that I am angry.

Instead, I show my anger by... silence. By the obvious withdrawing - or at least obvious to me.
I read my book, watch some telly - but I need to be alone. I want to be alone.
And I want to indulge in my anger, letting it simmer.

Until such time, I know that I need to repair the relationship, and tell the person that I am angry, and why. And by then, hopefully I am able to do it, in a way that doesn't blow up further. Hopefully objectively.

Only those closest to me, see that side of me. Often my immediate family members.

Anyway, I am angry now. Angry since last night. Passively angry.
I know it is wrong, sinful. I need to not let it simmer, and not give the devil a foothold.

Pray for me.

 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:26-27New International Version (NIV)

Trip to the "Dark" Side

Yes, we did. Secretly. A guilt trip, done in the cover of night, knowing that no one we know (from church) will ever be there. Yes, we went to a Hillsong service. All 5 of us. We crossed over to the dark side...

So my wife's friend was visiting, and wanted to go to a Hillsong service. Saturday worked out best as she was leaving Sunday morning, and we didn't really want to miss church on Sunday.
Hearing so much about Hillsong, its too easy to judge, based on hearsay.

So I wanted to go, to find out for myself what it is like. My kids all know Hillsong music, and we've sung them, along with EMU songs and bunch of other songs. But here, there is this big divide between the Sydney Anglicans and Hillsong, going back to when I was a student over 20 years ago - I knew that I wasn't happy to hear about the differences via heresay but to see/experience it all for myself. And so I went along.

As I walked in, this is what greeted me:

It was literally rather dark. It was like walking into a concert/disco - dim lights, laser/strobe lighting, loud music, big focus on the music, and esp the music leader. Crowds were upfront, waving their hands, jumping along to the music - it was... and experience. I unfortunately didn't know the songs (guess I don't keep up with the latest Hillsong albums) - but observed.

I love the sound system, polish, perfectly balanced, the drummer was fantastic, deep booming sounds. The music team were all very good, no one was looking at scores - every one seems to have memorized the songs/lyrics. . Lights were focused on whoever was leading the songs, with their image projected onto the screen.

The whole service was very seamless, very smooth, weaving seamlessly from song, to announcements, to prayer. The service was big on experience and emotion (to me), drawing everyone in.

I've been to services where the focus was hardly on Jesus, but not this service. In all honesty, Jesus was the main "focus", lots of references to Jesus, praising Jesus, big cross projected on the background.

At the end of the service, there were many things which surprised me

1.Structure of the Service. 
Length was a very normal 1.5 hours, couple of songs, announcements, some prayer, sermon, giving, end with a song. Pretty standard I think. I was surprised that the sermon was maybe half hour? I expected a very short sermon. I expected a lot more singing.

2.Announcements
All very professionally done. Very slick, polished. Think movie trailer polished.

3.Charismatic or Pentecostal?
There a few references to healing, one "prophesy" to a named member of the congregation, another to an unnamed person, but no speaking in tongues that I witnessed.
But there was nothing about 2nd baptism of Holy Spirit (ok I just attended 1 service) - so I guess I would consider Hillsong more charismatic and not pentecostal. 

4.Prosperity Gospel
I really expected a big push, but I thought at best mild overtones of it.
They do sell a lot books by Prosperity Gospel teachers, you recognize as their faces are plastered all over the front page, looking like a million dollars. They probably do have a few. 

5."Star" of the service. 
I kinda expected a big sell on the main speaker, or the main pastor, "fluffers" to hype up the crowd before the main "star" showed up. But I didn't even know the pastor's name, and some introduction to the "guest" speaker Frank Damaggio  - who had written over 30 books. But he looked pretty "ordinary", not what a "typical" prosperity gospel preacher I had imagined.
To be honest, plenty of focus on "Jesus", lots of "Cross = Love".

6. The Sermon.

This was always going to be what makes and breaks a service for me - the most important part of the service, and how a "church" teaches the bible.

The message was about Peace, peace of God, and going through the storm of life.
A simple message, driven topically, with passages quoted in support.

To be fair, it wasn't at all "heretical". The main drive was that the Peace of God surpasses all circumstances, and is based on God himself. Amen!
The sermon had no exegesis though, it was a message with scripture, and not scripture which gives us the message. Preacher had a couple of "Hebrew" words, which I wasn't sure whether they were right, good for effect "sounds like the guy knows his stuff", but nothing very critical.
Sermon was big on application, it was focused on where we were, the various possible scenarios, fishing a net wide so that we would be drawn in - yes, God's word for me! Since there was no need for exegesis, there's plenty of time for application.

There is plenty to be said for this, I don't think it helps the congregation learn how to read the bible, how to read in their context, before we can learn what it says to our context. But it does apply for those are already feeling out of their depth, they need to hear that God's peace is true peace, that doesn't falter despite our circumstances. It appealed to my older son, and he needs to hear it from someone else (besides me?) right now.

So, it's like bandaid, good in small doses, helps some people. But you wouldn't put bandaid for heart surgery. I don't think for a Christian's long term growth, that's enough. You need more than quick fix, band aid, feel good sermons. You need to know the Word of God, learn how to read it, understand it, grow from infants to adults, be a Berean, so that you know when wolves come in sheep clothing, false teachers who come with half-truths, which are all the more insidious than direct falsehood.

7.Offering
Again, not as big a push as I'd expect. They did take another offering for the guest speaker though...  that is unusual for me.

8.Music
Hillsong is all about its music.They have improved a lot (I think), from Jesus is my boyfriend type of songs, to a lot of songs I would listen and like - maybe not all.
The style is a matter of choice, I don't particularly enjoy the full on concert/disco ambience, but that is probably cultural. I have no problems people enjoying it.

9.Overall take away
The whole service is a slick presentation that caters to the Emotion, how the music is played, the interludes, the prayers, the sermon - they want you to feel good, to enjoy the experience, they cater to the young, reach out to today's generation, they you to know that they love Jesus, and Jesus loves you, and do a good job.

Whilst the form is important, I think what builds the Christian up is substance. How we go from infants in the faith, to go from milk to solid food (1 Cor 3), is to know God's word, to be a Berean (Acts 17:11). We need to equip ourselves to guard ourselves against false teachers.

Last thoughts
There is a lot of negativity towards Hillsong, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

There is a lot of things they do well.They are as "bad" as I thought they would be.
I think that they are things we can learn from them, just as things they could learn from us.


And I am glad I went and sat through a service, maybe more in the future, to go with my family if they want to. I want to know what they are learning, experiencing - so that I can better equip myself when we chat, and when others talk about Hillsong.

There will be people offended by what I've said (I think), those who think that I have "criticized" Hillsong, and those who think I actually went to Hillsong and even "complemented" them.
My lesson is that we should be quick to listen, slow to speak (James 1), and I would add, slow to judge. Whether the issue is on Homosexuality, on Charismatic movement, on women ordination, it will be worthwhile to pause, pray for wisdom, listen, discuss.

 James 1:19-20 (ESV)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Reflections from Summer School 2017

So we finally got to go for the famed CMS Summer School just in early 2017.
It's 7 days of talks and fellowship, quite different from other camps I've been to, namely

a) the program is from 9am to 12, then 7 to 9.30 - with free time in between (its normally whole day program)
b) everyone finds their own accommodation (I'm used to people all staying together at one place)
c) no food provided! (we have to find/cook own meals)
d) 7 days! that's long!

Things I've really enjoyed

1.Talks
I'd not heard of him before, but William Taylor's talks on Genesis 12-23 on promises to Abraham were really excellent. 7 days means that the speaker got to take his time to expound the scripture, slowly develop the theme. Talks were profound, in depth, thoughtful, challenging. Oh, how I've missed in depth teaching.

Get them here: http://cmsnswact.myshopify.com/

2.Catching up with people - new
The thing that is done at Summer School with all the free times and self organized meal times, is to invite people over. So we got to lunch with James & Celia Toose one lunch (I work next to James, but know nothing of him really, so it's nice to get to know them); and our minister Gary Koo and fam over for dinner.

Lunch with my colleagues, I got to know my colleagues father-in-law who turns out to be Anglican Bishop of North WA- I got to learn about the Christian scene over there, and the structure of Anglican Diocese.

3.Catching up with people -old
Since coming back, I've been wanting to catch up with Joshua Ng, who has been in fellowship with me since leaving Uni. So I was quite pleased to bump into him one morning, and had a quick catch up. We arranged for lunch (as people do @ Summer School), but didn't get a chance (more later). We used to 'Library Lawn" regularly, and I remember trying to share the gospel with my broken Mandarin, his Cantonese - hilarious like chickens talking with ducks. What I will always remember was his parting words to me, as I headed back to Singapore "Don't trade your inheritance for a bowl of porridge", as we looked at Jacob and Esau, words which have held meaning all these years.

Then another morning, I walked by a guy with name tag "James Warren", doubled back, and I had to say hi! James was the MTS worker who followed me up in 1993/1994, when he led Focus whilst Joshua was away in Chicago doing some theological degree. I remember I was going through all the modules of School of Christian Ministry (SOCM) run by Unichurch, and when I finished all of them, he suggested reading the bible 1 to 1 with me on a weekly basis, which I really enjoyed.

And of course he had no recollection of me! sob sob.
Well, it has been 23 years.. but I was so pleased to meet someone so key in helping me grow as a Christian, been wanting to since I came back to Sydney.

2 days later, I bumped into Stuart Milne - MTS worker Commerce Christians in 1992, then FOCUS in 1993. I became a Christian in June 1992, during the MYC, and Stuart was my mentor, following me up, teaching me, and even encouraging me to lead a bible study group (which I thought he was nuts!) which I think we did Colossians. Thankfully, he remembered me and even remembered that I play the piano by ear - amazing!

I was blown away that I got to meet all 3 people who were the key people who started me on my walk with God (besides Philip Jensen who preached when I accepted Christ) - they were the people who labored, faithful in their ministry, and getting to see the "fruit" so many years later. Thank you for your ministry, thank you God for your faithfulness - I am ever in your debt (all of you, esp God!).

4. Challengers
One of the biggest challenge was that the format of the camp, was hard on my boys.
My older son didn't have a program for him, and so he didn't enjoy sitting with adults, and left to go back for Sydney after only attending 1 session.
This also had a negative impact on my younger son, who was left "without" a friend to hang out with.

In the past, when everyone stayed together in a hotel, kids could just hang out in other people's rooms, not dependent on parents for transport and logistics. And our kids didn't have the privilege of years of Summer School-ing like other kids.

Broke our hearts. And we cancelled our plans to meet Joshua/Karen, and the Brammalls, and others.
Well worth spending the day with CJ, and thankfully we got to meet another family with adopted children, and our kids got on really well together after that! CJ was "happier" to go back to the program with another friend - so thank you God for providing. It was a lesson for us to always be mindful of how our kids are adapting, and we always have to look out for them.

DY surprisingly got on well with the program, and getting to know friends.

5.Meeting New People (part 2)
So we got to know another family with adopted kids, and uncannily, the dad was the previous Treasurer of where I work! He's a legend, having worked with the branch and Federal side for maybe 30 years in all! He built the finance foundation of everything I do at work, so it was a real privilege to meet him! What a small world.

CMS Summer School is like a big gathering of Sydney's Evangelicals - everyone kinda knows everyone. I've met people who have been coming to 30-40 Summer Schools? Amazing. 

6.Mission and Missionaries
The last thing I really appreciated is hearing a different side from the missionaries. Often at work, I know of the problems, but what was good was to hear of their ministry, and that gives me a much more holistic view and a better appreciation of what they do, who they are, and the work I do. What a privilege.

And great that my wife can meet the people I work with, and see what my work is about from the people directly.

All in, it was a tiring week, but really good and encouraging week.
I've also learned that my introverted side of me gets more "significant" the older I get. After a week of meeting people, I spent my weekend after just recovering at home. Surprising to many, I get my energy from being alone, whether it is reading, working on my computer, playing computer games, I need that down time - interesting huh.

A Big Thanks to the organizers of Summer School. I'll be back, see you in 2018! What a great start to the year.