Chink in the armor

I'm not feeling great.

Yes, what else is new.

I keep thinking that I wish I could swap places with W - let me be the one with terminal illness, and let him live. Not that I'm altruistic, but W seems like he has so much to live for, and me none. It's a selfish and sinful desire.

Life isn't fair is it?

I'm under attach by Satan. Nothing so obvious, not persecution; I didn't lose my job; not thrown in jail. No, the 2nd closest thing to my heart is under attack - my marriage; the 1st being my relationship with God.

I feel like it's falling apart, either in my head or in actuality.
I can't talk about it, the only one who really knows is W, and he's going through so much that I don't want to burden him with my problems.

I don't have anyone else to talk to.
R, who has kindly reached out to me in the past, is a wonderful guy - but single and far away.
A, my ex-bible study leader, knows a little of what happened 1.5 years ago.

The pain I feel, is all within me. It's not obvious, it's eating inside of me.
IF God took me away now, I will regret nothing. I have no bucket list, well - besides the salvation of my dad, AE who I've been reaching out to, my life - whilst it is precious and redeemed by the blood of Jesus, feels meaningless. It isn't, but I just feel like it. Empty. Void.

If I just disappeared, will anyone miss me? Ha.
My kids, may be sad for a bit. Maybe.
My colleagues do appreciate the work I do - that is my current escape. Pathetic.
Church friends? I don't have many/any I'm particularly close to.
Other friends? What other friends?

I play WOT, to kill time, and keep my mind from thinking too much.
I don't feel like taking photographs, I'm also suspended from riding my bike.
I'm listless, aimless.

I'm so dependent on my spouse, for love, affection - that my life feels spiraling out of control when Satan comes attacking my biggest chink in the armor.

My family is also struggling spiritually.
- CH can't be taught, can't listen to sermons. He knows everything. Preachers are all idiots.
- DY, barely hanging on. Still tunes in to recorded online services, but struggling. Smoking!
- CJ, stopped online church as well.
I have the responsibility as the spiritual leader. I am hanging on, reading my bible each day, crying to God, but feel battered and powerless to help my family.

Satan - you bastard.
Get behind me. Please.

Jesus, please fill me with your peace.
Please draw me close, help me cling on to you - because you are all I have. Left.
Help me in my pain, to fill that void. To love you with all of my heart, soul and strength.