The day after

At 2am, I went to check the pond. 1 koi dead, 1 goldfish dead, another koi almost dead.
The straw that breaks the camel’s back. I... am done.

I am numb. I feel numb. I can’t get to sleep- wishing to sleep and never wake up. Call me home God.
It’s 5am. Wife stirs, I’m not asleep. Yet. Am definitely not going to church. Not for lack of sleep- I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to just shrivel up.

Am I in depression? I wander. No, wonder.
I’m so tired, can’t sleep. Can’t clear the dead fish. Asked my sons to help. I just can’t.

I don’t think I’m Suicidal. Maybe I need to see a doctor.
I just need this year to be over. But what’s waiting in 2019?

To be with Christ. Is better.
I wonder if I’ll be missed. My immediate family’s lives will change. Probably for the worse.
No one understand. I feel so alone. Empty. Dry.

I am not in a good state of mind. I know that.

Ok, I had go help with the pond. Every single fish dead. Reminds me of once upon a time I had accidentally switched off the air pump to my dad’s pond. 30 years ago. How ironic. Payback’s a bitch.