Cry

I’m not coping.

Sitting in my car. Not wanting to go home, not wanting to spend money for a room.
Not wanting to live, not wanting to die.
Not wanting to be alone, but not wanting company.

I want Jesus to return now.
End my pain.

I could Christianize it and say to be with Christ is better. To die is gain.
Why does sin make life so difficult? Make relationships hard.

I am nothing. An inconvenience. Of no consequence. Make plans, no need to bother with me- since I am but a cage. Take me home God - now please. Then the cage is open. Fly free.
Why am I a cage? Since when have I become a cage.
I have become stale. You no longer laugh. With me.

When doing the right thing hurts

So, another thing happened at the end of last year.

After watching Spiderman with the fam, my older son drove home. And quite uncharacteristically, he drove really close to a park car, and hit the side mirror.
We stopped by the side, and I got out to check. From 5 meters away, it didn't look so bad, the side mirror and bent outwards (which they are designed to do), and I quickly ran back, saying only minor damage - and we drove off.

And my conscience weighed heavily on me, in the drive home which took 10min. If I kept quiet, no one would really know, and I think we would have "gotten away" scot free. But I also remembered someone backing into my wife's car whilst at Eastwood a year back, and drove off - that was very annoying, and expensive to fix.

Loving your neighbor means that since I didn't appreciate that being done to me, I should not do that to others. Or rather, the loving thing to do is to own up. The owner may not know, but God knows. And I am setting an example for the family too - they'll know.

So dropping the family off, I drove back. Parked the car near there, walked casually to the damaged car - I saw bits and pieces on the floor (oh no), and basically the whole side mirror was wrecked. So I wrote a note, apologising for the accident, left my name and number, then left.

It was night time before the person texted me. She was really appreciative of me leaving a note, and thanked me (which I must say felt good, rather than being screamed at!). And even then, there was a nagging thought that said that "you should have just left!". Sin is funny that way, it finds ways to persuade you that doing the wrong thing is the norm, it's ok. But spirit of God continued to nudge my conscience.

Weeks go by, and no news (maybe she decided that the fix wasn't expensive and did it out of her own pocket?!!!). Well, last night, she finally texted me. She did say that people all around (including workshop folks) couldn't believe I owned up. The costs was $683, which I of course transferred.
I did try and milk it by sharing that it's only because I knew God was watching, and if I wasn't a Christian - I probably would have just drove off!

It's a small price to pay for my conscience and "holiness". Now the question is, should I get my son to pay all of it? some of it? He's really only going to clear his previous debt, and it is my conscience at play here. Maybe I'll take it off his "long term" savings which I've been holding for him (he doesn't remember it now), but it's feels wrong for him to pay for my conscience. Maybe 50:50 is the way to go.

So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. 

James 4:17 ESV

The light at the end of the tunnel?

I don’t understand why the pond water level is still dropping? Need to stop bothering about it. I’ll look at it again after Summer School.

Back to the train otw to work.
I’ve realized that in my pain, I’ve not done my quiet time. Which I normally do on the train on work days. And this is God’s word to me

“Yet I am writing you a new command, which is true in Him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. The one who says he is in the light but hates his brother is in the darkness until now. The one who loves his brother remains in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭2:8-10‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

I feel like I am alone, in darkness. But it’s passing. I have full confidence in my salvation through Jesus. The true light is shining, and I pray that it will pierce my own darkness.

God wants me to forgive my dad. To love my dad as God loves us. Turn the other cheek. Do good even when the person does ‘evil’. I know it in my head. And deep down in my heart. I just have to obey. So I’ve swallowed my pride, wrote to my dad to say sorry. And that we’ll call him tomorrow.
We can’t control how others feeel- only how we respond.

God’s word is always true. He must be teaching me to trust and rely on him.
I don’t have a choice since I have no one to turn to. Only God.

I feel alone- but I am not.

The day after

At 2am, I went to check the pond. 1 koi dead, 1 goldfish dead, another koi almost dead.
The straw that breaks the camel’s back. I... am done.

I am numb. I feel numb. I can’t get to sleep- wishing to sleep and never wake up. Call me home God.
It’s 5am. Wife stirs, I’m not asleep. Yet. Am definitely not going to church. Not for lack of sleep- I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to just shrivel up.

Am I in depression? I wander. No, wonder.
I’m so tired, can’t sleep. Can’t clear the dead fish. Asked my sons to help. I just can’t.

I don’t think I’m Suicidal. Maybe I need to see a doctor.
I just need this year to be over. But what’s waiting in 2019?

To be with Christ. Is better.
I wonder if I’ll be missed. My immediate family’s lives will change. Probably for the worse.
No one understand. I feel so alone. Empty. Dry.

I am not in a good state of mind. I know that.

Ok, I had go help with the pond. Every single fish dead. Reminds me of once upon a time I had accidentally switched off the air pump to my dad’s pond. 30 years ago. How ironic. Payback’s a bitch.

Venting.

I seem to blog only when I'm upset.
I shouldn't be, this being Christmas week, and I'm on leave whole week - but I am.
I just bought my set of filters, meeting a fantastic photographer, and ready to use some time to take it out for a spin - but I havn't.

It started off when I got Chris to come see if he could help fix my broken window (it was dangerously dangling, and the glass could fall and shatter 2 storeys down), and also plug the flooding at the lowest part of my house, below the stairs. I'm just hopeless and fixing up the house.

When he came, the wife went to the garden to do stuff, and seemed not at all interested. I wanted her opinion on how the window was to be fixed, coz if Chris does it, and she doesn't like it, she'll get mad. But she seemed to take zero interest. I felt the burden of maintaining the house - just on myself.

I've been struggling to get the stupid swimming pool (which I hate) to get clean. Running to the pool shop many times, running the filter 24x7 for 10 days, and the after spending nearly $300, what I got, didn't work!

The next day, Chris comes, and we head to Bunnings, where buying planks (to build a scaffolding to reach up to the window) I stupidly thought the plank would fit into my car, closed the boot, and cracked the windscreen.
Back we went, and started work. And whilst Chris was nice, he kept asking me my opinion whether this product was ok, things about tools (which I was clueless and kept saying I had no idea). Sometimes he put a tool somewhere else, asked me where it was - I replied I didn't know, and he would be "Soo Sing , Soo Sing" - whilst shaking his head. I kept quiet.
By the end of the first day, we finished the window (it took one whole day!), and I was exhausted. Still another day to fix the leak.

We also have 2 dead gum trees, which I feared would fall onto the neighbours house - esp with the recent big storm, lots of branches fell, and some neighbours living trees were uprooted! The gum tree was dangerously arching over our neighbours house. So I had to organise this, talking with numerous "vendors", and took me a week to get it sorted out (they'll come tomorrow).

And the pond's water was dropping 2 inches a day. A big branch fell (during the said storm), and killed a koi, plus must have torn the pond lining. So I spend today replacing it - thankfully my older son was there to help me some.

And it's been such a hot week! 42 degrees yesterday, 39 today.

Then tonight, DY kindly wrote to me dad. He was pleased, told my wife, but also took the opportunity to say that she's nice, unlike me. And threatened that I have a lot at stake in Singapore (i.e. inheritance?!!!). What the hell! (pardon the cursing), really - that's how you want to relate?
All I hear are snide remarks to the Goh chat.
So despite it being such a busy period for me - I'm going to take leave and fly back for CNY. It isn't because I'm afraid of losing my inheritance (my eternal inheritance is secure), but it's the right thing to honour him. So, swallow my pride, and anger, booked my flight.

And when the pool is finally swimmable, it turned green yesterday. REALLY?!!!
Hate the pool. Hate the house maintenance. Hate having to chase my kids to do their chores. Hate feeling like the responsibility of the house is just mine.

And my stupid phone is dying on me, can't take photos now, and my game keeps crashing.
Wasted the whole week doing nothing but chores, and melting at home.

Passive-Aggressive

I've realized that I can be a passive-aggressive person.

I am, largely, a person who avoids conflict.
They make me uncomfortable.

And so, when I get annoyed/upset, I withdraw.
I withdraw from others, I bury myself and hide in my hole.
I internalize my anger, try and rationalize it away.

I try very hard not to react immediately, because whatever comes out immediately, willl always come out wrongly. If serious enough, I try to wait a day or 2, before I "give" my response.
It allows me to process what I want to say, strip out the emotional element, the anger elements, and "craft" it to be more constructive.

But repeated triggers, often results in the cap blowing off.
Often, my own kids - whether it is a repeated issue I've been telling them "nicely" to do, and there is that straw that breaks the camel's back, that results in me lashing out immediately.
Which I will always regret doing, and end up apologising for. Lack of self-control. Anger.

And whilst I internalize my immediate reactions, I am often very aware of my own passive-aggressive behavior. I know that I am angry. I know that my anger is simmering. I don't want to tell the person who has offended me that I am angry.

Instead, I show my anger by... silence. By the obvious withdrawing - or at least obvious to me.
I read my book, watch some telly - but I need to be alone. I want to be alone.
And I want to indulge in my anger, letting it simmer.

Until such time, I know that I need to repair the relationship, and tell the person that I am angry, and why. And by then, hopefully I am able to do it, in a way that doesn't blow up further. Hopefully objectively.

Only those closest to me, see that side of me. Often my immediate family members.

Anyway, I am angry now. Angry since last night. Passively angry.
I know it is wrong, sinful. I need to not let it simmer, and not give the devil a foothold.

Pray for me.

 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:26-27New International Version (NIV)

Trip to the "Dark" Side

Yes, we did. Secretly. A guilt trip, done in the cover of night, knowing that no one we know (from church) will ever be there. Yes, we went to a Hillsong service. All 5 of us. We crossed over to the dark side...

So my wife's friend was visiting, and wanted to go to a Hillsong service. Saturday worked out best as she was leaving Sunday morning, and we didn't really want to miss church on Sunday.
Hearing so much about Hillsong, its too easy to judge, based on hearsay.

So I wanted to go, to find out for myself what it is like. My kids all know Hillsong music, and we've sung them, along with EMU songs and bunch of other songs. But here, there is this big divide between the Sydney Anglicans and Hillsong, going back to when I was a student over 20 years ago - I knew that I wasn't happy to hear about the differences via heresay but to see/experience it all for myself. And so I went along.

As I walked in, this is what greeted me:

It was literally rather dark. It was like walking into a concert/disco - dim lights, laser/strobe lighting, loud music, big focus on the music, and esp the music leader. Crowds were upfront, waving their hands, jumping along to the music - it was... and experience. I unfortunately didn't know the songs (guess I don't keep up with the latest Hillsong albums) - but observed.

I love the sound system, polish, perfectly balanced, the drummer was fantastic, deep booming sounds. The music team were all very good, no one was looking at scores - every one seems to have memorized the songs/lyrics. . Lights were focused on whoever was leading the songs, with their image projected onto the screen.

The whole service was very seamless, very smooth, weaving seamlessly from song, to announcements, to prayer. The service was big on experience and emotion (to me), drawing everyone in.

I've been to services where the focus was hardly on Jesus, but not this service. In all honesty, Jesus was the main "focus", lots of references to Jesus, praising Jesus, big cross projected on the background.

At the end of the service, there were many things which surprised me

1.Structure of the Service. 
Length was a very normal 1.5 hours, couple of songs, announcements, some prayer, sermon, giving, end with a song. Pretty standard I think. I was surprised that the sermon was maybe half hour? I expected a very short sermon. I expected a lot more singing.

2.Announcements
All very professionally done. Very slick, polished. Think movie trailer polished.

3.Charismatic or Pentecostal?
There a few references to healing, one "prophesy" to a named member of the congregation, another to an unnamed person, but no speaking in tongues that I witnessed.
But there was nothing about 2nd baptism of Holy Spirit (ok I just attended 1 service) - so I guess I would consider Hillsong more charismatic and not pentecostal. 

4.Prosperity Gospel
I really expected a big push, but I thought at best mild overtones of it.
They do sell a lot books by Prosperity Gospel teachers, you recognize as their faces are plastered all over the front page, looking like a million dollars. They probably do have a few. 

5."Star" of the service. 
I kinda expected a big sell on the main speaker, or the main pastor, "fluffers" to hype up the crowd before the main "star" showed up. But I didn't even know the pastor's name, and some introduction to the "guest" speaker Frank Damaggio  - who had written over 30 books. But he looked pretty "ordinary", not what a "typical" prosperity gospel preacher I had imagined.
To be honest, plenty of focus on "Jesus", lots of "Cross = Love".

6. The Sermon.

This was always going to be what makes and breaks a service for me - the most important part of the service, and how a "church" teaches the bible.

The message was about Peace, peace of God, and going through the storm of life.
A simple message, driven topically, with passages quoted in support.

To be fair, it wasn't at all "heretical". The main drive was that the Peace of God surpasses all circumstances, and is based on God himself. Amen!
The sermon had no exegesis though, it was a message with scripture, and not scripture which gives us the message. Preacher had a couple of "Hebrew" words, which I wasn't sure whether they were right, good for effect "sounds like the guy knows his stuff", but nothing very critical.
Sermon was big on application, it was focused on where we were, the various possible scenarios, fishing a net wide so that we would be drawn in - yes, God's word for me! Since there was no need for exegesis, there's plenty of time for application.

There is plenty to be said for this, I don't think it helps the congregation learn how to read the bible, how to read in their context, before we can learn what it says to our context. But it does apply for those are already feeling out of their depth, they need to hear that God's peace is true peace, that doesn't falter despite our circumstances. It appealed to my older son, and he needs to hear it from someone else (besides me?) right now.

So, it's like bandaid, good in small doses, helps some people. But you wouldn't put bandaid for heart surgery. I don't think for a Christian's long term growth, that's enough. You need more than quick fix, band aid, feel good sermons. You need to know the Word of God, learn how to read it, understand it, grow from infants to adults, be a Berean, so that you know when wolves come in sheep clothing, false teachers who come with half-truths, which are all the more insidious than direct falsehood.

7.Offering
Again, not as big a push as I'd expect. They did take another offering for the guest speaker though...  that is unusual for me.

8.Music
Hillsong is all about its music.They have improved a lot (I think), from Jesus is my boyfriend type of songs, to a lot of songs I would listen and like - maybe not all.
The style is a matter of choice, I don't particularly enjoy the full on concert/disco ambience, but that is probably cultural. I have no problems people enjoying it.

9.Overall take away
The whole service is a slick presentation that caters to the Emotion, how the music is played, the interludes, the prayers, the sermon - they want you to feel good, to enjoy the experience, they cater to the young, reach out to today's generation, they you to know that they love Jesus, and Jesus loves you, and do a good job.

Whilst the form is important, I think what builds the Christian up is substance. How we go from infants in the faith, to go from milk to solid food (1 Cor 3), is to know God's word, to be a Berean (Acts 17:11). We need to equip ourselves to guard ourselves against false teachers.

Last thoughts
There is a lot of negativity towards Hillsong, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

There is a lot of things they do well.They are as "bad" as I thought they would be.
I think that they are things we can learn from them, just as things they could learn from us.


And I am glad I went and sat through a service, maybe more in the future, to go with my family if they want to. I want to know what they are learning, experiencing - so that I can better equip myself when we chat, and when others talk about Hillsong.

There will be people offended by what I've said (I think), those who think that I have "criticized" Hillsong, and those who think I actually went to Hillsong and even "complemented" them.
My lesson is that we should be quick to listen, slow to speak (James 1), and I would add, slow to judge. Whether the issue is on Homosexuality, on Charismatic movement, on women ordination, it will be worthwhile to pause, pray for wisdom, listen, discuss.

 James 1:19-20 (ESV)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.