The Valve Release

After my last blog post, 1-2 hours later, A texted me, asking how I was, and even how my marriage!
I shared that I wasn't doing that well, and he offered to catch up and chat - which I really appreciated.

We met up Wednesday night for dinner, and it was really good to catch up, to talk, share.
I realize that suffering alone, is like a pressure cooker building up, I just spiral downwards inside/mentally. Just being able to talk, is like a release.
Interestingly, I asked him what prompted him to text me (I thought the blog post was the prompt), but he just did, kinda felt prompted to? So it is definitely a God-incidence. Praise God!

I'm amazed at God's timing, and how He chooses to act. It doesn't solve the underlying problem, but it was such a great help - so thank you A, and thank you God.

At work, SST did a catch up, and asked about me (as a follow-up with what I shared back in Feb). And I trust these guys quite a lot (first time having such a deep relationship with colleagues), and I shared what I said in the first para of the blog, just as an indication that I wasn't doing well.

I did share with my boss my blog, coz he asked after my "revelation". He was quite surprised, that it was much worse than he thought. I hide my pain well.

I decided to take the next day off, caught up with a friend. But I also decided to let W in, as we were chatting. He went and read the blog post. I took Monday off, and we caught up for lunch.
It was again good to talk through, just to digest what's happening - whether I'm just imagining it and making it worse than what it is... 
The weird thing is that even though physically he is deteriorating, he feels free to live now that he is ready to die. Wow. And he was quite happy for me to share with him, and that it wouldn't "burden" him more than what he is going through.

Finally coming back to the office, I did have lunch with my boss, and had a heart to heart chat.

It really has been quite helpful actually, to be able to process my own thoughts, with brothers-in-Christ. I don't feel so alone, and am thankful for others to be able to journey with me. 

Pray for wisdom, as I feel a bit more ready to address the underlying issue. It still terrifies me (that it won't be resolved, or I won't know how to resolve it). Only Christ can really help, so pray for his Spirit to be working in hearts.

The spiritual battle continues.

Chink in the armor

I'm not feeling great.

Yes, what else is new.

I keep thinking that I wish I could swap places with W - let me be the one with terminal illness, and let him live. Not that I'm altruistic, but W seems like he has so much to live for, and me none. It's a selfish and sinful desire.

Life isn't fair is it?

I'm under attach by Satan. Nothing so obvious, not persecution; I didn't lose my job; not thrown in jail. No, the 2nd closest thing to my heart is under attack - my marriage; the 1st being my relationship with God.

I feel like it's falling apart, either in my head or in actuality.
I can't talk about it, the only one who really knows is W, and he's going through so much that I don't want to burden him with my problems.

I don't have anyone else to talk to.
R, who has kindly reached out to me in the past, is a wonderful guy - but single and far away.
A, my ex-bible study leader, knows a little of what happened 1.5 years ago.

The pain I feel, is all within me. It's not obvious, it's eating inside of me.
IF God took me away now, I will regret nothing. I have no bucket list, well - besides the salvation of my dad, AE who I've been reaching out to, my life - whilst it is precious and redeemed by the blood of Jesus, feels meaningless. It isn't, but I just feel like it. Empty. Void.

If I just disappeared, will anyone miss me? Ha.
My kids, may be sad for a bit. Maybe.
My colleagues do appreciate the work I do - that is my current escape. Pathetic.
Church friends? I don't have many/any I'm particularly close to.
Other friends? What other friends?

I play WOT, to kill time, and keep my mind from thinking too much.
I don't feel like taking photographs, I'm also suspended from riding my bike.
I'm listless, aimless.

I'm so dependent on my spouse, for love, affection - that my life feels spiraling out of control when Satan comes attacking my biggest chink in the armor.

My family is also struggling spiritually.
- CH can't be taught, can't listen to sermons. He knows everything. Preachers are all idiots.
- DY, barely hanging on. Still tunes in to recorded online services, but struggling. Smoking!
- CJ, stopped online church as well.
I have the responsibility as the spiritual leader. I am hanging on, reading my bible each day, crying to God, but feel battered and powerless to help my family.

Satan - you bastard.
Get behind me. Please.

Jesus, please fill me with your peace.
Please draw me close, help me cling on to you - because you are all I have. Left.
Help me in my pain, to fill that void. To love you with all of my heart, soul and strength.