The light at the end of the tunnel?

I don’t understand why the pond water level is still dropping? Need to stop bothering about it. I’ll look at it again after Summer School.

Back to the train otw to work.
I’ve realized that in my pain, I’ve not done my quiet time. Which I normally do on the train on work days. And this is God’s word to me

“Yet I am writing you a new command, which is true in Him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. The one who says he is in the light but hates his brother is in the darkness until now. The one who loves his brother remains in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭2:8-10‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

I feel like I am alone, in darkness. But it’s passing. I have full confidence in my salvation through Jesus. The true light is shining, and I pray that it will pierce my own darkness.

God wants me to forgive my dad. To love my dad as God loves us. Turn the other cheek. Do good even when the person does ‘evil’. I know it in my head. And deep down in my heart. I just have to obey. So I’ve swallowed my pride, wrote to my dad to say sorry. And that we’ll call him tomorrow.
We can’t control how others feeel- only how we respond.

God’s word is always true. He must be teaching me to trust and rely on him.
I don’t have a choice since I have no one to turn to. Only God.

I feel alone- but I am not.

The day after

At 2am, I went to check the pond. 1 koi dead, 1 goldfish dead, another koi almost dead.
The straw that breaks the camel’s back. I... am done.

I am numb. I feel numb. I can’t get to sleep- wishing to sleep and never wake up. Call me home God.
It’s 5am. Wife stirs, I’m not asleep. Yet. Am definitely not going to church. Not for lack of sleep- I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to just shrivel up.

Am I in depression? I wander. No, wonder.
I’m so tired, can’t sleep. Can’t clear the dead fish. Asked my sons to help. I just can’t.

I don’t think I’m Suicidal. Maybe I need to see a doctor.
I just need this year to be over. But what’s waiting in 2019?

To be with Christ. Is better.
I wonder if I’ll be missed. My immediate family’s lives will change. Probably for the worse.
No one understand. I feel so alone. Empty. Dry.

I am not in a good state of mind. I know that.

Ok, I had go help with the pond. Every single fish dead. Reminds me of once upon a time I had accidentally switched off the air pump to my dad’s pond. 30 years ago. How ironic. Payback’s a bitch.

Venting.

I seem to blog only when I'm upset.
I shouldn't be, this being Christmas week, and I'm on leave whole week - but I am.
I just bought my set of filters, meeting a fantastic photographer, and ready to use some time to take it out for a spin - but I havn't.

It started off when I got Chris to come see if he could help fix my broken window (it was dangerously dangling, and the glass could fall and shatter 2 storeys down), and also plug the flooding at the lowest part of my house, below the stairs. I'm just hopeless and fixing up the house.

When he came, the wife went to the garden to do stuff, and seemed not at all interested. I wanted her opinion on how the window was to be fixed, coz if Chris does it, and she doesn't like it, she'll get mad. But she seemed to take zero interest. I felt the burden of maintaining the house - just on myself.

I've been struggling to get the stupid swimming pool (which I hate) to get clean. Running to the pool shop many times, running the filter 24x7 for 10 days, and the after spending nearly $300, what I got, didn't work!

The next day, Chris comes, and we head to Bunnings, where buying planks (to build a scaffolding to reach up to the window) I stupidly thought the plank would fit into my car, closed the boot, and cracked the windscreen.
Back we went, and started work. And whilst Chris was nice, he kept asking me my opinion whether this product was ok, things about tools (which I was clueless and kept saying I had no idea). Sometimes he put a tool somewhere else, asked me where it was - I replied I didn't know, and he would be "Soo Sing , Soo Sing" - whilst shaking his head. I kept quiet.
By the end of the first day, we finished the window (it took one whole day!), and I was exhausted. Still another day to fix the leak.

We also have 2 dead gum trees, which I feared would fall onto the neighbours house - esp with the recent big storm, lots of branches fell, and some neighbours living trees were uprooted! The gum tree was dangerously arching over our neighbours house. So I had to organise this, talking with numerous "vendors", and took me a week to get it sorted out (they'll come tomorrow).

And the pond's water was dropping 2 inches a day. A big branch fell (during the said storm), and killed a koi, plus must have torn the pond lining. So I spend today replacing it - thankfully my older son was there to help me some.

And it's been such a hot week! 42 degrees yesterday, 39 today.

Then tonight, DY kindly wrote to me dad. He was pleased, told my wife, but also took the opportunity to say that she's nice, unlike me. And threatened that I have a lot at stake in Singapore (i.e. inheritance?!!!). What the hell! (pardon the cursing), really - that's how you want to relate?
All I hear are snide remarks to the Goh chat.
So despite it being such a busy period for me - I'm going to take leave and fly back for CNY. It isn't because I'm afraid of losing my inheritance (my eternal inheritance is secure), but it's the right thing to honour him. So, swallow my pride, and anger, booked my flight.

And when the pool is finally swimmable, it turned green yesterday. REALLY?!!!
Hate the pool. Hate the house maintenance. Hate having to chase my kids to do their chores. Hate feeling like the responsibility of the house is just mine.

And my stupid phone is dying on me, can't take photos now, and my game keeps crashing.
Wasted the whole week doing nothing but chores, and melting at home.