Crack

The moment
the heart is broken
Soul crushed
Mind blank

I see it now, the pain.
Satan knows where it hurts
How to hurt
The one thing to squeeze
Prick open

And it all comes tumbling down
Paralyzed
Lost. Hurt.
Unwanted.

I said my goodbyes in my head
Saw the love of my life walk out
Rather catch the bus then for me to drop her off
Dropped DY off for first day at work.
Pray for me DY, and she asks innocently ‘now’?
Watched CJ engrossed in watching a show on his computer
Oblivious to the turmoil as I head out the door.

Crack.
There it goes again.
The moment the mind fractures.

Cry

I’m not coping.

Sitting in my car. Not wanting to go home, not wanting to spend money for a room.
Not wanting to live, not wanting to die.
Not wanting to be alone, but not wanting company.

I want Jesus to return now.
End my pain.

I could Christianize it and say to be with Christ is better. To die is gain.
Why does sin make life so difficult? Make relationships hard.

I am nothing. An inconvenience. Of no consequence. Make plans, no need to bother with me- since I am but a cage. Take me home God - now please. Then the cage is open. Fly free.
Why am I a cage? Since when have I become a cage.
I have become stale. You no longer laugh. With me.

When doing the right thing hurts

So, another thing happened at the end of last year.

After watching Spiderman with the fam, my older son drove home. And quite uncharacteristically, he drove really close to a park car, and hit the side mirror.
We stopped by the side, and I got out to check. From 5 meters away, it didn't look so bad, the side mirror and bent outwards (which they are designed to do), and I quickly ran back, saying only minor damage - and we drove off.

And my conscience weighed heavily on me, in the drive home which took 10min. If I kept quiet, no one would really know, and I think we would have "gotten away" scot free. But I also remembered someone backing into my wife's car whilst at Eastwood a year back, and drove off - that was very annoying, and expensive to fix.

Loving your neighbor means that since I didn't appreciate that being done to me, I should not do that to others. Or rather, the loving thing to do is to own up. The owner may not know, but God knows. And I am setting an example for the family too - they'll know.

So dropping the family off, I drove back. Parked the car near there, walked casually to the damaged car - I saw bits and pieces on the floor (oh no), and basically the whole side mirror was wrecked. So I wrote a note, apologising for the accident, left my name and number, then left.

It was night time before the person texted me. She was really appreciative of me leaving a note, and thanked me (which I must say felt good, rather than being screamed at!). And even then, there was a nagging thought that said that "you should have just left!". Sin is funny that way, it finds ways to persuade you that doing the wrong thing is the norm, it's ok. But spirit of God continued to nudge my conscience.

Weeks go by, and no news (maybe she decided that the fix wasn't expensive and did it out of her own pocket?!!!). Well, last night, she finally texted me. She did say that people all around (including workshop folks) couldn't believe I owned up. The costs was $683, which I of course transferred.
I did try and milk it by sharing that it's only because I knew God was watching, and if I wasn't a Christian - I probably would have just drove off!

It's a small price to pay for my conscience and "holiness". Now the question is, should I get my son to pay all of it? some of it? He's really only going to clear his previous debt, and it is my conscience at play here. Maybe I'll take it off his "long term" savings which I've been holding for him (he doesn't remember it now), but it's feels wrong for him to pay for my conscience. Maybe 50:50 is the way to go.

So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. 

James 4:17 ESV