Last Picture

This is a post that has been sitting in my draft folder for a number of years. After 5 years, I think I am ready to post this blog.

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I have resisted posting this picture.

After my mom was put into ICU (she never recovered consciousness), my dad and I visited her each morning, and each evening.


At various stages, she was hooked up to 7-9 different syringes, a kidney dialysis machine (the green machine), something to clean the sepsis from the blood, a lung machine, something to help her breathe, covered with ice (she was running a fever of 40), a tube to drain the urine, lots of other monitoring devices,  etc.


I snapped this, as we were about to leave, with my dad taking a last look, say his silent goodbye, before we headed back to our hotel, and which turns out to be - loosely speaking - the only picture of my mom in hospital (albeit blocked by my dad), and the last picture of her alive.  At the end of each day, the look differed: firstly, a look of concern (at the beginning), then a look of hopefulness (that the next day will get better), before a look of hopelessness (when we knew nothing more could be done) - all in a week.


This is not a facebook picture. I cannot demean it.
My folks, have never had the best of relationships. Often, I felt they co-existed, relationship distilled down to just functional. The trip to Italy with my parents (and brother's family and mine), was special, not only because it was our last holiday with our mom, it was special for me to see how my parents interacted.

2 days before my mom was warded, when I was just with her in her hotel room, she burst out saying that without my dad, she would have been dead (my dad spent a whole day walking around Florence, looking for a walking cane for her). For the first time, I see a sense of respect, a sense of humble dependence, a deep sense of gratitude towards my dad, which was what I always thought as missing, and a real wedge in their relationship.

From how my dad went out of his way, to do anything possible to help my mum, it was, in my own eyes, as good as it gets. They may not have had the best of relationships, but they ended as best as they could.

I miss my mom. Never thought I would, honestly - but I do.
As unhappy as she was in Singapore, she was truly carefree, on holiday, and when she visited me overseas. Our Singapore home (where my dad lives), is no longer the same, not as warmth. Each visit, I suddenly miss her nagging one of us to pick up our clothes, fuss over the kids' food or bath. I miss making her laugh.

In her simple faith, I do hold on to God's mercy, that she did indeed accept Jesus in her heart, and now with Jesus.

This verse is special, I picked this verse to be inscribed on her niche - just seems so fitting for her. Enjoy Jesus mum, wait for me.

Revelation 21:4 ESV
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

All boxed up and ready to go.

1st day of packers. Living room done, store done, kid's bedroom done. Tomorrow, they'll come and finish up the kitchen, and Master room.

And thus ends another chapter of our lives.
This is 5th time we've had packers - first being 2003 when we moved from Makassar to Singapore. We moved from SinMing to Shunfu in 2004 (minor move), to Vietnam in 2008, to Jakarta in 2011, and now to Sydney.

There is a sense of cleansing, as I pack and throw away stuff. Stuff that seemed important 5 years ago, not having touched it once, and quite unlikely I was going to touch it ever again. The passage of time gives a sense of clarity as to what is important, what is valuable. Each move, forces us to re-evaluate our priorities, our belongings, it either gets cast aside or grows in its importance, our sense of attachment.

I brought maybe 4 suits over from Vietnam and got rid of 3, just keeping the suit which I got married in, which surprisingly still fits! From maybe 50 ties, I kept maybe 12, which I think is 12 too many. There could be some remote possibility that I'd need to wear a tie now and then, so no harm keeping a few. And I already imagine my driver with his ill fitting Zegna suit and Armani ties...

I feel a wanton glee as I get rid of stuff, masochistic? maybe. As I grow older, I find that I'd like to live a simple life. Material things don't mean as much any more, branded things lose their sense of worth.

Sure there are things I still keep, that are beyond plain functional - the cards my family gave, old photos, things that can never be replaced by money or time. I love my Tibetan Chests with the chewed leg courtesy of Moppy, our dog in Vietnam, or the glass cabinet we found in in someone's kitchen in Makassar. Each piece is a memory from a chapter of our lives.

When my kids came back from school today, their rooms are bare, living room stacked with boxes. I ask my son if he is sad, and he says.. yes, but I don't want to talk about it. My daughter says... no, why should I? Miss Contrarian... :)
I think about my son's response - it saddens me. Whilst I am quite ready to leave, and look forward to the next chapter of my life, I feel a little sad that my kids have to bear the consequence of our decisions - for better or worse.

Oh yes, it can be for worse. As our experience last year.
How will it be for our younger 2 as we move. It is hard for them to leave their friends. They have settled well here, made good friends, and that will be difficult. Will we turn around in a year and regret our move?

My only hope is that they find a place where they can grow and thrive as Christians, above all else. Deep down, I pray and hope that they find a thriving youth group, where they encourage each other to grow in their love of God. I am not outsourcing their Christian learning to others, but I do realize that as they get older, the role of the parent becomes less.... influential. I want us as a family to love God, each individual wanting to know God more, serve God - and not do it just because mum and dad say so.

Life is full of choices, decisions are full of risks. We hope to do what is best, based on our flawed human understanding, marred with sin, ego and foolishness.
Thankfully, God continues to be Sovereign - thank God! He uses us, despite our sinfulness, our pride and foolishness, and uses the circumstances we find ourselves in, for his purposes. We don't always see how things work out, how they unfold. We continue to be works in progress.

I pray that our move works out. I pray for my kids, to adapt, to grow in their love of Jesus. I pray that we will continue to serve God where we are.

Life is an adventure. And as we finish up here in Jakarta, as we end this chapter, let's see how the next chapter unfolds. It'll be scary, exciting, there'll be moments of joy, moments of heartache.

Watch out Sydney, here we come.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 

Wishlist for All Saints

I had a nice lunch with the folks I work with @ All Saints Anglican church - where I have been Treasurer for the last 4 years. I am very thankful for their partnership in the gospel, the opportunity for me to serve alongside - and their love for God's people in Indonesia.

During lunch John S asked me an interesting question - what would my wishlist be for All Saints. So I gave it some thought, shared it. So, if I were to come back in 10 years (say), I would love to see

1.Breaking down of walls within
Through the years, I see some "walls" being built up. It was good to see the wall between Menteng and South Jakarta broken down.
I would like to see Outreach ministry and All Saints be much more integrated. I kinda kick started the process just, but I hope to see that we are one, one church, one body of Christ, doing what God wants to do in Indonesia.

2.Breaking down of walls without
I still think there is a lot of distrust/wall with GAI and Diocese of Singapore - both of which we need, and are in a legal way - the parent church/entity - although we are pretty much self sustaining.
All Saints needs to keep think outside of All Saints, the gospel work outside of the church.
GAI as a denomination isn't at all thriving, short of pastors and funding - and I think we have a big role to play in building the whole denomination, taking in pastoral interns, encouraging GAI pastors, supporting them however we can.

There's also a lot of distrust with the Diocese of Singapore. They move slowly, very very slowly. They don't seem to trust us, and most people in All Saints think we don't need them - except for Constitution changes, otherwise, they are a thorn in the side, of no help, only hindrance.

Well, I would like the Diocese to be much more responsive - treat All Saints as one of their congregations as we are. It needs to be a 2 way street. Our communication isn't as good as it can be.
I would like for All Saints to work with GAI and Diocese - use the network All Saints have (rather than just reinvent the wheel) - and together build up the Anglican church in Indonesia, and see the gospel grow.

If GAI fails, we will suffer.
If there is poor communication with Diocese, we will suffer.
And God's work will suffer.

3.Be all things to all men
I would like to All Saints to have a new service that is less liturgical, bit more lively, less formal - but still good bible teaching. Just as there is a place for liturgy - some people are more comfortable with it - there is also many people who wish to have less liturgy (like me!), and attract that group of people raised on Hillsongs - but will solid bible teaching.

With the change of demographics, I would like to see All Saints grow also Indonesian service it has. We are no longer just an "expat" church. We are part of the gospel here in Indonesia, and I would like to see us bring more Indonesians in, have full time Indonesian ministers.

4.Vibrant Youthwork
I think what is lacking is a vibrant youth ministry. As many know, my kids have decided to go IES for church instead of All Saints. It's a pretty sad state, there aren't many kids.
A good solid youth ministry is key to grow of the church. You would attract families. People will come and hear the gospel.

5.Good use of Menteng
This is new (I didn't mention this yesterday).
The land we have in Menteng is a tremendous resource, and a valuable one.
It has in the past been a thorn in the side - and I would like to see the placed used for more than just All Saints meeting.

Past leaders had vision to redevelop the land. I see a new building, used by GAI and other Christian organizations, maybe a place for Langham to conduct its training; a place to equip the saints, a place to to be used for God's glory. And if it becomes such a burden, a source of contention, an idol - then maybe sell it for better use. The church cannot be about a piece of land, or a building, but the people of God. Let's not lose our focus on that. I pray.

ok, 5 things on my wishlist.
All in God's good hands, and in the hands of his people.

Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:14-16 The Message.

Eat Fat. Lose Weight.

In the beginning....
So... we holidayed with our friends Wing and Jackie July2015. And in the morning, we woke up to sounds of a breakfast being cooked - and they asked if we'd like them to add more stuff for us! Bacon, eggs, avocado - all prepared for us, no effort - so hey, sure!

This was followed by lunch, and eventually, the most of the meals on our trip! Everything was rich, full of bacon, fat, cream. And they were doing this because of health reason! Get more bacon, get healthy - I could live with that. So.... I decided to give it a go. 

Oh, I should say that it is a Low Carb High Fat diet (or rather way of eating). Basically no added carbs (rice, noodles, bread, sugars, glucose), more fat content (butter, avocado, bacon... hmmm... bacon!) Lots of info found here http://www.dietdoctor.com/

So July2015, I was like 83-84kg. Unfit, bit flabby.
I had tried reducing rice, which brought my weight down quickly to 78kg in a month or 2, but slowly crept back up to 84.

Results - after a month of this change in eating patterns - nothing changed. Hmmm...
Well, month 2-4 was interesting. I started losing weight... hitting about 75 kg (9kg in 3 months). Then it kinda tapered off, although slowly inching down. I hit 72 kg a few weeks ago!
My wife wasn't too impressed with the weight loss though, too much she said, my cousin thought I was anorexic, and others who hadn't seen me in a while, thought I'd recovered from an illness. So I did the occasional Carbs, esp when my older son was back - he loved pizza, and noodles from Kenanga - which I also love. When I indulged in carbs, immediately I put on 1 kg the next day. then it comes off in a day or 2. And my older son who used to make fun of how flabby I was - exclaimed that I was much too bony now! Exaggeration runs high in the family....

What I found hardest on this diet was - not eating fruits. I love fruits, often just eating a tray of papaya for dinner, or 1 kg of dragonfruit or mangoes! Giving up fruit was the hardest. But I got over it very quickly, got used to not eating fruit. Although I ended up constipated for a number of months - which was not pleasant.

And why I like this diet (its important, because a diet only works if t is sustainable).
1.Eat when you are hungry; stop when you are full - I hate it when people say eat till 80% full, the u are left hungry all the time!
2.Bacon and fat. Food high in fat - tastes yummy. BACON!
3.Nothing wrong in skipping meals. I don't eat breakfast - so this diet is good.
4.Coffee is good. Without sugar and milk, which is how I take it.
5.Whilst exercise is good for you - it isn't integral to the diet.
6.I don't  get that sleepy after meals effect.
7.Quick (good) results - are encouraging.
8.Just less flabby/sluggish in general

Medical Tests
I also just did a cholesterol test - I have been on statins for the last 20 years or so, with a history of high cholesterol that is largely genetic. Eating more fat, would of course mean higher saturated fat in the body. But the fact is, despite me being lazy, and only eating my meds once in 2-3 days, or whenever I remember, the total and bad cholesterol was marginally high (not any higher than before), and the specialist did say that I could stop my meds, although I'd need to keep monitoring.

Last words
Anyway, if you are interested, go check out the link above. I won't go into details about why fats are good, what type of fats, and why carbs/sugars are bad.

And this isn't for everyone - obviously. But it worked for me, sustainable - and I feel much better. I don't feel unhealthy at all.

Eat more bacon, it's good for u. :)