I've realized that I can be a passive-aggressive person.
I am, largely, a person who avoids conflict.
They make me uncomfortable.
And so, when I get annoyed/upset, I withdraw.
I withdraw from others, I bury myself and hide in my hole.
I internalize my anger, try and rationalize it away.
I try very hard not to react immediately, because whatever comes out immediately, willl always come out wrongly. If serious enough, I try to wait a day or 2, before I "give" my response.
It allows me to process what I want to say, strip out the emotional element, the anger elements, and "craft" it to be more constructive.
But repeated triggers, often results in the cap blowing off.
Often, my own kids - whether it is a repeated issue I've been telling them "nicely" to do, and there is that straw that breaks the camel's back, that results in me lashing out immediately.
Which I will always regret doing, and end up apologising for. Lack of self-control. Anger.
And whilst I internalize my immediate reactions, I am often very aware of my own passive-aggressive behavior. I know that I am angry. I know that my anger is simmering. I don't want to tell the person who has offended me that I am angry.
Instead, I show my anger by... silence. By the obvious withdrawing - or at least obvious to me.
I read my book, watch some telly - but I need to be alone. I want to be alone.
And I want to indulge in my anger, letting it simmer.
Until such time, I know that I need to repair the relationship, and tell the person that I am angry, and why. And by then, hopefully I am able to do it, in a way that doesn't blow up further. Hopefully objectively.
Only those closest to me, see that side of me. Often my immediate family members.
Anyway, I am angry now. Angry since last night. Passively angry.
I know it is wrong, sinful. I need to not let it simmer, and not give the devil a foothold.
Pray for me.
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:26-27New International Version (NIV)
