The light at the end of the tunnel... is love.

Parenting is tough.

Don't get me wrong, there are many good days, but also rough days.

I remember the early days, carrying my daughter to sleep, through the night - not surviving well with 2-3 hour sleep, for months.
I remember going for holidays where they was no fan/aircon, and my son crying through the night - and I had to walk/carry him on the beach to calm him.
I remember the long flight to Europe, our first, with a young child. He couldn't sleep on the seat, too big to be in a bassinet, we snuck him to the floor (where our feet were) to sleep, where he slept until the stewardess came, waking him up, because he wasn't supposed to sleep on the floor. It was a loonnnggg whiny/crying night. The last I swore.
There are days of struggle with school, and homework. The dreaded call by the teacher, new ways of sinning - and it only got worse, year after year.
I remember the days of missing children, disappearing after school, hunting high and low, at friend's homes, searching every inch of the school to hunt one little child who decided to wander off without telling us.
I remember the trips to hospitals, in wild panic, with a sick child.
I remember the time I brought my disobedient hysterical son to the toilet, him screaming in the toilet cubicle, before I heard a knock on the door, with a stranger asking me to stop hitting my child - except I hadn't even started yet!!!
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, only to find an oncoming train.

15 years on, it took a painful separation of just 2 months - before my son posts this, and it blows me away. I am speechless. Which is rare. I gasp, gather my thoughts, memories race through my mind, before finally... finally I see a light at the end of the tunnel, this time, it truly is a silver lining, the light at the end of a long tunnel, which makes it all worth while. The light that is.... love. 

My heart melts, and I realize, yes, it is all worth it.

The painful separation has somehow given a clarity, of unclouded love. I see my son as never before, a young, mature (mostly) boy all grown up, almost at the edge of manhood.

Yes son, we made the choice to love you 15 years ago, we sometimes doubted it, sometimes didn't feel it, but it was the right decision. Love endures ups and downs. Love is a choice, whether you feel like it or not.

Kinda like how God loves us.

Thank you for giving us a chance, forgiving us of our mistakes, of which there are many.

We love you then, we love you now, and we will always love you.

Dad.


Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)

Parenting 103

It's been a good week.

It didn't start off so well, when I loss the coin toss to attend Parent-Teacher meet.
I'll spare the details... least to say that I better practice on my coin tossing...
Sure, we want some feedback on how the child is doing in school, but i'm not sure whether I really want to know every infringement that happens...

Oh, oh yes, as I was saying, it's been a good week.
Being the school holidays last week, plus my own resolution (and lots of prayer) to be more loving, I tried being less "uptight" - don't sweat the small stuff. And it worked somewhat - I actually enjoyed the relationship better, when I wasn't snapping at every little thing, and nagging.

Ok, also ignoring the 2 incidents events of outright lying to get out of homework, but relatively (compared to the past) it's been a good week.

I felt bad coz I couldn't take leave coz of work, so my lovely wife arranged a family holiday on Saturday. And we had a great time - minibus took us (w 2 other families) to Johor, where we visited a kelong (my son got to fish in a floating net breaming with hungry "milk" fish or Ikan Bandeng - almost shooting fish in a barrel, only easier.
We had to pay RM1 for each fish we caught, and another RM2 if we wanted to take it home. Was a bit strange until I realized that once a fish is caught, it is left jumping in a dry barrel till it dies - quite a loud (fish really strong and keeps jumping) messy (bit bloody) affair. And if u dun want it, they'll freeze it to be sold to the market. They tell me that once the fish is hooked, it dies eventually - so they don't throw it back.
After that, we got to eat lunch, and at the risk of being the obscene Singaporean - the food was really cheap! We had soup, veges, toufu, steamfish (w this lovely assam samble sauce), deep fried calamari (really really good), fried chicken w thai sauce, curry prawns (really nice too, lots of spices, curry leaves and dried prawns), desert - more food than we could finish, and all for RM15 each. Amazing stuff - definitely returnable.
We spent some time in shopping mall, before heading to Royal London Circus show. Now, being spoilt Singaporeans, we got front row seats - and it was really good fun. First time to a live circus, and being right in front, was really quite good fun. If only the trapeze artist didn't fall on top of me, it'll would have been more enjoyable...
Well, all in all, it was an overseas holiday, for abt $300 for the whole fam!

Oh yes, back to being less uptight, I was proud to say that after church, whilst talking with some friends, I saw my oldest disturbing my youngest till he cried, then when bored, started poking and disturbing my daughter (I watched from the corner of my eye, but didn't say anything and surprising didn't get angry). Ok, I was not impressed when he complained to me that one of his siblings hit him (in retaliation no doubt) - and I recounted his misadventures, that IF YOU CAN'T TAKE IT, DON'T DISH IT OUT!!!

Well, it's a start. I need to work hard at being loving, and to show it, be less uptight/nitpicking - but what a big hill to climb, and a long way to go. But's its a start.
Training in righteousness (both for my son and myself), is a long term thing - there's no instant obedience unfortunately. Took Israelites 40 years to get to promise land, took me 20+ years to finally repent before God... and just as God didn't give up on me, I gotta work hard and persevere.

It's a good week - gotta give thanks to God, when I can.

Parenting 102

AAARRGGGHHH!

Another complain from teacher, this time Malay teacher abt forgetting to bring textbooks, and not doing work.
Decided to check bag, after being assured that it is packed properly, and all work done.... found abt 4 worksheets accumulatedly undone! plus lots of rubbish and unnecessary books brought, whilst the right ones are left behind.

My theory was to train the child up to be responsible, meaning give instruction, expect child to obey, and handle consequence - consistently. Theoretically, child will learn... right? wrong.
It's just a viscious cycle... of carelessness, absent-mindedness, and plain laziness. After each rebuke, feel sorry, but back to square one.

So last night, I sat down w my oldest boy, checked each sheet that it was properly done, got him to empty out whole bag, and show me each item being put in. The rest, either throw or file - properly.
Somehow, I felt sorry for him (yes, had to punish him for lying to me during weekend, to wife) and compassionate as I sat next to him. Am trying to be more patient and loving - but not so easy.

Gotta remind myself that training in righteousness is long haul. It took me abt 21 years, before I came to know the Lord... and my son is only 9... but I don't remember me being so difficult!
Then again, that's according to me... don't ask my folks.

and it could be worse... at least I don't have to homeschool him...

Parenting 101

Parenting is hard work.
Teaching a child and molding his character to fear and know the Lord, is no easy stuff (ok... so it's hard for the rest of us too) - when do we punish, when do we reward, and the how is the tough part.

We struggled thru an episode this week - 3rd complain from the teacher since this year! And each time, the "crime" seem to get worse... that I was at a total lost... nothing seems to work... we've tried the scolding, canning, depriving of privileges, rewarding (bribing?), reading the bible and praying together... textbook stuff, almost every trick in the bag (ok, very small bag), and yet, it all seems to fall apart. feel like giving up. Strangely I didn't even feel like punishing the child or talking to him. Hmm, it was certainly tempting to just give up, be indifferent - why bother when nothing works anyway.

No, some serious reflection was required, bit of honesty with myself and God. Something was seriously wrong, and I needed to do something abt it (see, us guys just have to find a fix). No no, if I was any interested in being a godly parent, a good father and concerned abt raising the child up to know and fear the Lord (be wise), I suspect ignoring a child isn't the best of reactions.

Went yesterday for swimming brief by the club. Coach told me abt my son, that he responds better to positive encourage, and uses it to better use, than critisizing/discouraging... sigh... Yes, I am overly harsh. After each stunt, we react and get bit more strict, and the next stunt seems to get a little more rebellious, intentionally or unintentionally. I am quick to punish, slow to love. It's just so hard to love sometimes... is it possible that I'm a recalcitrant and hard to love too by God? Hmm, took Him more than 20 years, and He didn't give up... Love is not a feeling, but a choice. It'll be nice if there was some feelings of love as well...

Drats! we just did the parable of sower last week at bible study, and today's sermon in church... Why did the passage have to hit so close - can I love someone I don't like? So much easier to love the millions in deep darkest Africa, but what about your own child?

Ok, had a good chat with the wifey - she's always good counsel - we need to change our approach - our son is NOT like us (why can't he be more like me?!!!). we need to learn who he is, accept it, and work with it.
We took sometime in the afternoon, for a good heart-to-heart talk. We talked abt what happened, the reasons for doing, and explained why it was not right; what he need to do to correct his actions, and more importantly (hopefully) addressed his deep seated fears/concerns.
Well, let's hope this works... I can only trust in the Lord for wisdom and strength.

Yes, our child is also our neighbour.