When doing the right thing hurts

So, another thing happened at the end of last year.

After watching Spiderman with the fam, my older son drove home. And quite uncharacteristically, he drove really close to a park car, and hit the side mirror.
We stopped by the side, and I got out to check. From 5 meters away, it didn't look so bad, the side mirror and bent outwards (which they are designed to do), and I quickly ran back, saying only minor damage - and we drove off.

And my conscience weighed heavily on me, in the drive home which took 10min. If I kept quiet, no one would really know, and I think we would have "gotten away" scot free. But I also remembered someone backing into my wife's car whilst at Eastwood a year back, and drove off - that was very annoying, and expensive to fix.

Loving your neighbor means that since I didn't appreciate that being done to me, I should not do that to others. Or rather, the loving thing to do is to own up. The owner may not know, but God knows. And I am setting an example for the family too - they'll know.

So dropping the family off, I drove back. Parked the car near there, walked casually to the damaged car - I saw bits and pieces on the floor (oh no), and basically the whole side mirror was wrecked. So I wrote a note, apologising for the accident, left my name and number, then left.

It was night time before the person texted me. She was really appreciative of me leaving a note, and thanked me (which I must say felt good, rather than being screamed at!). And even then, there was a nagging thought that said that "you should have just left!". Sin is funny that way, it finds ways to persuade you that doing the wrong thing is the norm, it's ok. But spirit of God continued to nudge my conscience.

Weeks go by, and no news (maybe she decided that the fix wasn't expensive and did it out of her own pocket?!!!). Well, last night, she finally texted me. She did say that people all around (including workshop folks) couldn't believe I owned up. The costs was $683, which I of course transferred.
I did try and milk it by sharing that it's only because I knew God was watching, and if I wasn't a Christian - I probably would have just drove off!

It's a small price to pay for my conscience and "holiness". Now the question is, should I get my son to pay all of it? some of it? He's really only going to clear his previous debt, and it is my conscience at play here. Maybe I'll take it off his "long term" savings which I've been holding for him (he doesn't remember it now), but it's feels wrong for him to pay for my conscience. Maybe 50:50 is the way to go.

So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. 

James 4:17 ESV

Passive-Aggressive

I've realized that I can be a passive-aggressive person.

I am, largely, a person who avoids conflict.
They make me uncomfortable.

And so, when I get annoyed/upset, I withdraw.
I withdraw from others, I bury myself and hide in my hole.
I internalize my anger, try and rationalize it away.

I try very hard not to react immediately, because whatever comes out immediately, willl always come out wrongly. If serious enough, I try to wait a day or 2, before I "give" my response.
It allows me to process what I want to say, strip out the emotional element, the anger elements, and "craft" it to be more constructive.

But repeated triggers, often results in the cap blowing off.
Often, my own kids - whether it is a repeated issue I've been telling them "nicely" to do, and there is that straw that breaks the camel's back, that results in me lashing out immediately.
Which I will always regret doing, and end up apologising for. Lack of self-control. Anger.

And whilst I internalize my immediate reactions, I am often very aware of my own passive-aggressive behavior. I know that I am angry. I know that my anger is simmering. I don't want to tell the person who has offended me that I am angry.

Instead, I show my anger by... silence. By the obvious withdrawing - or at least obvious to me.
I read my book, watch some telly - but I need to be alone. I want to be alone.
And I want to indulge in my anger, letting it simmer.

Until such time, I know that I need to repair the relationship, and tell the person that I am angry, and why. And by then, hopefully I am able to do it, in a way that doesn't blow up further. Hopefully objectively.

Only those closest to me, see that side of me. Often my immediate family members.

Anyway, I am angry now. Angry since last night. Passively angry.
I know it is wrong, sinful. I need to not let it simmer, and not give the devil a foothold.

Pray for me.

 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:26-27New International Version (NIV)

Confession of a Gamer

Since writing this post, I've really been struck on the effect of sin.

You know the story/myth about hunting a wolf? How you coat a knife with layers of frozen blood - then you set it out. When the wolf find it, it'll lick it furiously - lapping up the blood. But very quickly, what the wolf doesn't realize in its feeding frenzy is that it is drinking up its own blood, and ends up dead either w/o knowing or knowing too late.

Well, sin is a bit like that. At the onset, it taste good. It may even be innocent. But before long, you are hooked on it, get into a feeding frenzy - you don't want to stop, justifying that it is ok. It isn't a problem, you just don't want to stop.

Playing computer games is fine. But I got a bit excessive. Did I mention I'd completed all 515 levels of candy crush in half a year? I got into Mechwarrior Online, and played lots of it. Then WarThunder - and played lots of it - especially when my family was away in Dec. LOTS. I knew it was affecting me, but I just didn't want to stop. Even upon reflection, and looking at resolutions, I couldn't bring myself to stop, so justified by just - wanting to moderate it. It just tasted too good.

Took me 2-3 days after writing that post, that God convicted my heart - through and through. I had to stop. If I wanted to grow as a Christian, if I wanted my photography to improve, if wanted lots of things done, I needed to stop my obsessive addiction to computer games. Or 2014 would be a waste, like I felt 2013 was.

And so, after I finally cleared level 515 on Candy Crush (on Monday night) - more than any of the hundreds of FB friends I know playing, no more levels until they release more, I decided to hang up my computer "boots", and go on a sabbatical on games, till such time I feel "free" of its cling on me, and have instead been reading, both books and the bible, learning my photoshop which I'd wanted to.

I took a first step in "confessing" to my bible study mates on Tuesday, about my addiction, and my repentance.

Hi, My Name is Soo Sing, and I am a Gamer.

And it sure feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. 

^{Romans 7:15,17,18}
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...   As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

^{Romans 6:6-12}
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with,that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
  In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.