Passive-Aggressive

I've realized that I can be a passive-aggressive person.

I am, largely, a person who avoids conflict.
They make me uncomfortable.

And so, when I get annoyed/upset, I withdraw.
I withdraw from others, I bury myself and hide in my hole.
I internalize my anger, try and rationalize it away.

I try very hard not to react immediately, because whatever comes out immediately, willl always come out wrongly. If serious enough, I try to wait a day or 2, before I "give" my response.
It allows me to process what I want to say, strip out the emotional element, the anger elements, and "craft" it to be more constructive.

But repeated triggers, often results in the cap blowing off.
Often, my own kids - whether it is a repeated issue I've been telling them "nicely" to do, and there is that straw that breaks the camel's back, that results in me lashing out immediately.
Which I will always regret doing, and end up apologising for. Lack of self-control. Anger.

And whilst I internalize my immediate reactions, I am often very aware of my own passive-aggressive behavior. I know that I am angry. I know that my anger is simmering. I don't want to tell the person who has offended me that I am angry.

Instead, I show my anger by... silence. By the obvious withdrawing - or at least obvious to me.
I read my book, watch some telly - but I need to be alone. I want to be alone.
And I want to indulge in my anger, letting it simmer.

Until such time, I know that I need to repair the relationship, and tell the person that I am angry, and why. And by then, hopefully I am able to do it, in a way that doesn't blow up further. Hopefully objectively.

Only those closest to me, see that side of me. Often my immediate family members.

Anyway, I am angry now. Angry since last night. Passively angry.
I know it is wrong, sinful. I need to not let it simmer, and not give the devil a foothold.

Pray for me.

 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:26-27New International Version (NIV)

Facebook Sabbatical

I'm quietly angry, and I don't want to blog why.

So I'm going to do something radical - I'm going on a Facebook Sabbatical.
Why Facebook? I don't know. Seems like an easy target, that hurts.

Eilen Wong was the first to introduce me to FB back in... 2006? Wow, that is a long time.
It was actually when I started my first blog, and we got talking somehow. And she introduced me to FB then, which like Friendster - I thought... really? But it's for kids!

Anyway, I signed up, most of my friends weren't on.
I remember playing online games like "Counter-strike", silly game which I got addicted to, then I deleleted. Then Warbook (most addictive and time sucking of the lot), Empires and Allies, Candy Crush - oh..... I do like these little games don't I? Each time, I found myself too addicted, too unwilling to let go, I knew I had to go cold turkey and delete the game. Only way to go.

Like smoking. ish.

So nearly 10 years on Facebook, and I think not a day passes without me checking in, used to be to see what my "friends" are up to, but nowadays, for trending and breaking news. It's the easiest single source of info.

Every single day... for the last 10 years or so.

Anyway, I am upset... did I mention that?
And I'm going to take it out on Mark Zuckerberg, although I doubt he would lose any sleep over my drastic action. In fact, I bet no one would notice. Doesn't matter - I'll notice.

For one, I want to see what impact this has in my life. Hello withdrawal symptoms!
Secondly, just curious to see if anyone notices... probably not... how sad after giving 10 years of my life to this.
Thirdly, being hurt, I want to inflict pain on myself - not physical pain of course - just.... emotional pain? I want to cut myself off. I want to withdraw... socially.

Ok, Facebook did warn me that I would lose all admin privileges on the pages I manage.
So I chickened out, and created a second dummy account. And I set it to be "auto activate after 7 days". I wanted longer, but... I was afraid. Who knows, I may log back in just to extend a longer de-activation.

Ok, changed my mind! Reactivated my account. Not bad... survived 5 minutes. Hands barely shook.... I set the auto activate to 28 days.

So.... by the time this post gets on Facebook, whenever that is...  probably in a month.

Did u miss me? I didn't think so.
Bah!