People and Conflict

I keep offending people. 

I managed to offend someone today coz I never heard about International Women’s day, and when it was raised, I then asked  whether there was an International Men’s day.

Some thought it was a joke and in poor tastes, but I was genuinely surprised it was a thing and asked because I was curious.

What was beautiful about it was, the person who was really offended, spoke to me about it calmly and gently- which I of course apologized. She heard about my lack of awareness, which helped, and I asked about this day, so I learned what it meant. This is conflict management done really well, which I really appreciate. This person could just remain upset, and let the anger grow in resentment, or get very aggressive and upset- both of which I have witnessed and been on the receiving end- which isn’t great. 

So I am thankful for this learning opportunity.

I’m still angry with myself that I offend people - more recently. Despite being in Australia for 7 years, there are nuances of the culture which I have not picked up, sadly. 

Oh well, it’s never too late to learn. Hopefully

The Valve Release

After my last blog post, 1-2 hours later, A texted me, asking how I was, and even how my marriage!
I shared that I wasn't doing that well, and he offered to catch up and chat - which I really appreciated.

We met up Wednesday night for dinner, and it was really good to catch up, to talk, share.
I realize that suffering alone, is like a pressure cooker building up, I just spiral downwards inside/mentally. Just being able to talk, is like a release.
Interestingly, I asked him what prompted him to text me (I thought the blog post was the prompt), but he just did, kinda felt prompted to? So it is definitely a God-incidence. Praise God!

I'm amazed at God's timing, and how He chooses to act. It doesn't solve the underlying problem, but it was such a great help - so thank you A, and thank you God.

At work, SST did a catch up, and asked about me (as a follow-up with what I shared back in Feb). And I trust these guys quite a lot (first time having such a deep relationship with colleagues), and I shared what I said in the first para of the blog, just as an indication that I wasn't doing well.

I did share with my boss my blog, coz he asked after my "revelation". He was quite surprised, that it was much worse than he thought. I hide my pain well.

I decided to take the next day off, caught up with a friend. But I also decided to let W in, as we were chatting. He went and read the blog post. I took Monday off, and we caught up for lunch.
It was again good to talk through, just to digest what's happening - whether I'm just imagining it and making it worse than what it is... 
The weird thing is that even though physically he is deteriorating, he feels free to live now that he is ready to die. Wow. And he was quite happy for me to share with him, and that it wouldn't "burden" him more than what he is going through.

Finally coming back to the office, I did have lunch with my boss, and had a heart to heart chat.

It really has been quite helpful actually, to be able to process my own thoughts, with brothers-in-Christ. I don't feel so alone, and am thankful for others to be able to journey with me. 

Pray for wisdom, as I feel a bit more ready to address the underlying issue. It still terrifies me (that it won't be resolved, or I won't know how to resolve it). Only Christ can really help, so pray for his Spirit to be working in hearts.

The spiritual battle continues.

Chink in the armor

I'm not feeling great.

Yes, what else is new.

I keep thinking that I wish I could swap places with W - let me be the one with terminal illness, and let him live. Not that I'm altruistic, but W seems like he has so much to live for, and me none. It's a selfish and sinful desire.

Life isn't fair is it?

I'm under attach by Satan. Nothing so obvious, not persecution; I didn't lose my job; not thrown in jail. No, the 2nd closest thing to my heart is under attack - my marriage; the 1st being my relationship with God.

I feel like it's falling apart, either in my head or in actuality.
I can't talk about it, the only one who really knows is W, and he's going through so much that I don't want to burden him with my problems.

I don't have anyone else to talk to.
R, who has kindly reached out to me in the past, is a wonderful guy - but single and far away.
A, my ex-bible study leader, knows a little of what happened 1.5 years ago.

The pain I feel, is all within me. It's not obvious, it's eating inside of me.
IF God took me away now, I will regret nothing. I have no bucket list, well - besides the salvation of my dad, AE who I've been reaching out to, my life - whilst it is precious and redeemed by the blood of Jesus, feels meaningless. It isn't, but I just feel like it. Empty. Void.

If I just disappeared, will anyone miss me? Ha.
My kids, may be sad for a bit. Maybe.
My colleagues do appreciate the work I do - that is my current escape. Pathetic.
Church friends? I don't have many/any I'm particularly close to.
Other friends? What other friends?

I play WOT, to kill time, and keep my mind from thinking too much.
I don't feel like taking photographs, I'm also suspended from riding my bike.
I'm listless, aimless.

I'm so dependent on my spouse, for love, affection - that my life feels spiraling out of control when Satan comes attacking my biggest chink in the armor.

My family is also struggling spiritually.
- CH can't be taught, can't listen to sermons. He knows everything. Preachers are all idiots.
- DY, barely hanging on. Still tunes in to recorded online services, but struggling. Smoking!
- CJ, stopped online church as well.
I have the responsibility as the spiritual leader. I am hanging on, reading my bible each day, crying to God, but feel battered and powerless to help my family.

Satan - you bastard.
Get behind me. Please.

Jesus, please fill me with your peace.
Please draw me close, help me cling on to you - because you are all I have. Left.
Help me in my pain, to fill that void. To love you with all of my heart, soul and strength.

Crack

The moment
the heart is broken
Soul crushed
Mind blank

I see it now, the pain.
Satan knows where it hurts
How to hurt
The one thing to squeeze
Prick open

And it all comes tumbling down
Paralyzed
Lost. Hurt.
Unwanted.

I said my goodbyes in my head
Saw the love of my life walk out
Rather catch the bus then for me to drop her off
Dropped DY off for first day at work.
Pray for me DY, and she asks innocently ‘now’?
Watched CJ engrossed in watching a show on his computer
Oblivious to the turmoil as I head out the door.

Crack.
There it goes again.
The moment the mind fractures.

Cry

I’m not coping.

Sitting in my car. Not wanting to go home, not wanting to spend money for a room.
Not wanting to live, not wanting to die.
Not wanting to be alone, but not wanting company.

I want Jesus to return now.
End my pain.

I could Christianize it and say to be with Christ is better. To die is gain.
Why does sin make life so difficult? Make relationships hard.

I am nothing. An inconvenience. Of no consequence. Make plans, no need to bother with me- since I am but a cage. Take me home God - now please. Then the cage is open. Fly free.
Why am I a cage? Since when have I become a cage.
I have become stale. You no longer laugh. With me.

When doing the right thing hurts

So, another thing happened at the end of last year.

After watching Spiderman with the fam, my older son drove home. And quite uncharacteristically, he drove really close to a park car, and hit the side mirror.
We stopped by the side, and I got out to check. From 5 meters away, it didn't look so bad, the side mirror and bent outwards (which they are designed to do), and I quickly ran back, saying only minor damage - and we drove off.

And my conscience weighed heavily on me, in the drive home which took 10min. If I kept quiet, no one would really know, and I think we would have "gotten away" scot free. But I also remembered someone backing into my wife's car whilst at Eastwood a year back, and drove off - that was very annoying, and expensive to fix.

Loving your neighbor means that since I didn't appreciate that being done to me, I should not do that to others. Or rather, the loving thing to do is to own up. The owner may not know, but God knows. And I am setting an example for the family too - they'll know.

So dropping the family off, I drove back. Parked the car near there, walked casually to the damaged car - I saw bits and pieces on the floor (oh no), and basically the whole side mirror was wrecked. So I wrote a note, apologising for the accident, left my name and number, then left.

It was night time before the person texted me. She was really appreciative of me leaving a note, and thanked me (which I must say felt good, rather than being screamed at!). And even then, there was a nagging thought that said that "you should have just left!". Sin is funny that way, it finds ways to persuade you that doing the wrong thing is the norm, it's ok. But spirit of God continued to nudge my conscience.

Weeks go by, and no news (maybe she decided that the fix wasn't expensive and did it out of her own pocket?!!!). Well, last night, she finally texted me. She did say that people all around (including workshop folks) couldn't believe I owned up. The costs was $683, which I of course transferred.
I did try and milk it by sharing that it's only because I knew God was watching, and if I wasn't a Christian - I probably would have just drove off!

It's a small price to pay for my conscience and "holiness". Now the question is, should I get my son to pay all of it? some of it? He's really only going to clear his previous debt, and it is my conscience at play here. Maybe I'll take it off his "long term" savings which I've been holding for him (he doesn't remember it now), but it's feels wrong for him to pay for my conscience. Maybe 50:50 is the way to go.

So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. 

James 4:17 ESV

The light at the end of the tunnel?

I don’t understand why the pond water level is still dropping? Need to stop bothering about it. I’ll look at it again after Summer School.

Back to the train otw to work.
I’ve realized that in my pain, I’ve not done my quiet time. Which I normally do on the train on work days. And this is God’s word to me

“Yet I am writing you a new command, which is true in Him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. The one who says he is in the light but hates his brother is in the darkness until now. The one who loves his brother remains in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭2:8-10‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

I feel like I am alone, in darkness. But it’s passing. I have full confidence in my salvation through Jesus. The true light is shining, and I pray that it will pierce my own darkness.

God wants me to forgive my dad. To love my dad as God loves us. Turn the other cheek. Do good even when the person does ‘evil’. I know it in my head. And deep down in my heart. I just have to obey. So I’ve swallowed my pride, wrote to my dad to say sorry. And that we’ll call him tomorrow.
We can’t control how others feeel- only how we respond.

God’s word is always true. He must be teaching me to trust and rely on him.
I don’t have a choice since I have no one to turn to. Only God.

I feel alone- but I am not.